Giving up

Today, afterwork, the feeling came again.

I'm tired of trying. Tired of living.

On some level my work has come down to a comfortable zone - where I no longer get excited to handle academic transcripts or other student service activities.

Today a student carrying the name of the nobel Prophet pbuh came along with his obviously-out-there girlfriend. He acted like a king and talked to me as if I were his slave. No mercy. Frontal impatience. Naughty laughters with his girlfriend.

Pinched my heart. He tored a really bad mark on this religion I hold high. On the Prophet I'm trying to love more. On my faith identity!

I could feel the heat coming up my head and face. I said polite, professional phrases as usual though inside I screamed he didn't deserve any of it.

I chanted praises to God softly as I gave him some assistance just to calm myself down.
To prevent any burning sharp comments coming out of my mouth.

After my sunset prayer I sat there, reflecting on my day... reflecting on the past years and on my life. I was imagining my future. This pregnancy. The motherhood. The challenges for me to overcome.

I'm weak without God. I can achieve nothing without His help...His guidance and protection.
And I'm tired of trying.
I want to return to Him. And rest.

God please help me.

The Whole Point of Life

Ok I haven't posted anything for, like, two months! My train rides had been filled up with replying hundreds of Whatsapp messages, standing up trying not to fall onto othet passengers, or jobhunting (again!). No more writing.

Life is still interesting. My baby belly is getting obvious during the day - but disappearing when I lie down.
My in-laws are here and we've been busy these days. I spent more time in the kitchen than ever!

But most importantly - what I wanted to talk about this time around - I think I found the WHOLE POINT of life.

Through the picnic session with the YIMSA girls few weeks ago, God reminded me that all things good and bad are given by Him; and that we shall ACCEPT them and ask HIM for what we want. That's so that we achieve happiness by content.
It's not easy in practise but God has many ways to test us so that we can try again and again to achieve this happiness. Eventually we'd master the tricks and it'd become easier for us to accept, let go, communicate and be happy.

God reminded me, again, through the dawn sermon at the masjid last Sunday. The speaker chose the "love for God" as the topic. It was good; I was glad these people started to insert the "love" component into religious sermon. So it's not just about do's, dont's, punishments, and degrading-the-audience kind of talks. Enough of those! Seriously.

Anyways, he talked about how God is an amazing trainer for each and every one of us. Drawing relevant stories from the prophets, he pointed out that God wants us to detach from our love for this world, our family, our money, our status - basically His creations. Instead we should always focus on our love and trust to Him.

For example, Moses was thrown into the river as a baby (the mother was tested of her trust in God) - just like how Abraham had to slaughter his dear son!; then as a grown man he was instructed to throw away his stick which became a snake! (God shows how wordly life is a temporary illusion); he hit his stick on the ground and the sea split apart (our effort has nothing to do with the outcome - it is God who gives us the outcome while we can only try our best!); just like how Hager ran between two hills to find water before the water sprinkles near baby Ismail.

It is God who gave that water, and not the running. It is God who gives us good grades to graduate, not the studying. It is God who gives us a promotion, not the hours we spend working. It is so easy to attribute our success to our own efforts or even to someone else (eg. our manager) but the true Giver is God - the One who loves being asked for things from. How ironic.

So really, this life is all about self-improvement, to become the best version of who we are.
Each day and moment God is watching, giving us a choice, a test, and the opportunity for us to practise, to be better.

Until the end of our time on Earth, the end of our opportunity to strive, the end of all struggles, when hopefully we have come a long way being our best self. That's when we return to Him, to our Creator, our "Trainer" who's been guiding us all along. And hopefully by that time He'd be pleased with us, with our efforts throughout our lives, to prove our love.

There then, the true happiness begins.

Back to Square One

My career seems to bring me back to the place where I've spent 6 years as a tertiary student.

I decided to take a walk during this lunch break and now hesitated whether it was a bad decision. Every step I took was flooded with memories.

Ten....years...ago...

I was right here.
I was busy sorting out my notes for my Japanese classes. My fun, fun Japanese classes. I was upstairs submitting my assignments.
I was at the balcony attending some sort of students function. I was in that building logging into the computers to do my study groups. I was walking on this path, from one class to another; or killing time; or simply enjoying the smell of eucalyptus trees.
I was in that library trying to find sources for my Psych essays; or my Qur'anic study essays.
I was at that tram stop. Every single day. Going home, exhausted from all the walking.

And I am back. No longer studying. No longer crossing paths with my many uni friends...

They've all moved on. Since ten years ago...

Living with God

I  just love reading people's blog posts, especially ones that are personal and full of inner thoughts.
Like today. I've continued reading a friend's blog about living with God.

What's that all about?

Deep down I know how it feels. I've been there before, quite recently, and for a very short period of time.
It was last year.
When I performed Hajj to Makkah, Saudi Arabia.

Each of my 24-hour day was split into these things:
- dzikir / remembrance of God
- shalat / the physical prayer
- good deeds for body (sleep, eat, shower, laundry)
- good deeds for others (carry one's bag, offer one a spot, smiling and positive chatting)
- any combination of the above

My days seemed very simple. Very happy.

And peaceful.

We all got briefed that Hajj is a journey towards God's house (Ka'bah) therefore whoever made it over there are guests of God's. Only God can allow and invite one's physical body all the way there; it doesn't matter how much money or preparations one has planned with.

Because of this, everything during the journey was provided by the One Almighty. All the guests have to do is remembering Him, being thankful, and doing good deeds whenever opportunity comes.

That was all I focused on.

Theoretically, it's just about the state of mind. You don't need to be in  the Middle East just to be God-conscious. Right?

But in practice, I find it very very difficult to return to that "state" once I've come back to my normal life. I find it difficult to spend some quality time with God - as my blogger friend puts it.
And I find it too easy to worship another god; whether it be my work coleagues, my husband, my phone, my facebook, my sleep, my junk food, my house, my clothes and the list never ends.

Honestly? I'm sad about this. I really miss being on that "state".
All the distractions from my day-to-day worldly routines have worn me down. I'm too tired to spend more time praying. I'm too lazy to spend more time reading God's words (the Qur'an). I'm too depressed to meet people who talk about religion.

I'm too lost - I need to do something, fast!
I don't want to waste my life. I don't want to end up in massive regret. I don't want to be those people who wonder "if only...".

But where do I start...

Focus Shift: Home Time

I am a person who tends to get bored easily, with the same routines; same people, same food; you name it. Nothing's changed at work. I answer tons of phone calls that I could now yawn and talk at the same time - unnoticed, of course.

I can't change my role, or the fact that people at work have their own cliques.

But at least I can take control of my life outside work and try to arrange my days so I could balance these things:

1. Socializing: keeping in touch with friends

2. Spiritual: attending study circles or public talks

3. Adventure/Fun: dining out, visiting the parks

4. House Chores: cleaning, cooking, fixing or sorting things out

Actually, nowadays I'm trying to lift number 4 as a higher priority - as I feel it's been ongoingly neglected. There are so many things I'd like to improve around the house, yet I've always got just enough time to do the compulsory tasks: laundry, vaccuming or cooking something healthy (after days of takeaways - which is usually the case!).

So sometime last week - or the week before (work weeks blurred into one) I read an article from a friend, which talks about what would happen if you get up TWO hours earlier each morning for the whole week.

Of course this has NOT happened to me until now.
But I found it really inspirational anyway.

These past two days I've been cooking and preparing meals after the morning prayer! It seems to work brilliantly!
This could save me from buying my lunch (which, I do enjoy every now and then); it helps me and my husband have a proper breakfast together (awesome!); and more importantly, it removes the stress when I arrive from a long, tiring day at work - because I don't have to think of what to eat (or wait for my husband to come up with something he wants to make)!

I appreciate the extra free time as a result.

So this is my new daily plan: to have my meals planned and prepared before leaving to work.

Oh! Another thing is... that I realised I don't have to always go for events that I could attend! 

I don't have to attend choir rehearsals EVERY Tuesday. 

I don't have to attend EVERY study circle each week.

I don't have to check out EVERY cultural event Melbourne has to offer. 

I don't have to hang out EVERY Friday night.

I don't have to think of an event EVERYTIME I have some spare time!

All I have to do is to have a handy list of the things I want to do (but not urgent) to fill those free times. 

Like tonight!

I've got crunchy pasta dinner sorted out, and skipped choir this week; so that I have some time to fix my childhood photos colage that has turned upside down through time.

So this is how people manage their time to do the things they want to do!

Dear Hubby

I was texting him today while working. I knew it wasn't going any closer to a stimulating conversation. It hardly is, anyway. But I put extra efforts in writing nice things. Politely flirty things - which sounded so fake I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time!

I pushed back the urge to nag him or do a check of chores with him. Our conversation was short. It was irrelevant. It was just overrated praises and gratitude, without a real topic....just like some nice decoration.

And I realised this is exactly what we used to do before we got married...

*   *   *

As I was walking out of the office I contemplated how he's been treating me well. Full of gentleness and caring. When he speaks to me his tone is always polite - it often sounds formal and it annoys me. But he tried to be nice. He tried to be what I asked of him.

He tried so hard that it becomes his nature...

All this time, it's always him who is willing to go into the deep end of things...and do the dirty work to fix things...
He wouldn't ever hesitate to get up and go for it - whatever needs to be done to give me comfort. To make my life easier.

So how do I not see him all this time and all these years that we've lived together?

What stops me from being nice to him...?

Lost

This is the first time I write a blog post during my work hours. I was going to take a walk for the morning break but it's too cold and windy outside that I decided to sit around in my favourite place - a lobby with high ceilings, sofas and people's chatters.

These days I came to work feeling flat - like I couldn't care much. About my work. About those students. About my manager's perceptions. About socialising with anyone. Just about anything I used to care about.

It seemed that nothing was really happening at work. Nothing was changing - despite the big waves of announcements about the Reshape we heard last month. So far it was business as usual. With less intensity and volume, for some reason. At least, in my case.

I've started looking for other jobs out there, from university, to government, to banking (I know!). I felt so clueless I didn't know where my career was heading to. My husband just lost his job last week and it was weird and a little shocking at first. He's having a few interviews today so I'm hoping for the best for him, for our family.

All this job-hunting led me away from my wifey goals and I seem to have lost it somewhere in the middle. I don't want to stay here because I'm just so bored with my days. But I don't want to start a new career from scratch altogether because I need to settle down and stress less - or even plan a maternity leave - well, for the future. And so....I'm just confused.

Dear God....what is it that You want us to do at this point of time... we both are so lost in our career - especially me. Where can I go to find that peace and contentment...
What should I do....
Please have mercy on us and please guide me every step of the way....

How to Treat your Husband

This was taken from someone called Laura (purematremony; wisewives)

Become aware of your actions and behaviors.

Do not criticize, contradict, or teach (even if you feel you are smarter than him).

Be accepting and trusting.

Don’t be unpleasable.

Don’t nag.

Feel genuine respect for him; something that will appear from habit.

Don’t say anything negative about his ideas or desires.

Remind yourself that you are taking the high road.

Remind yourself that you can either have the satisfaction of being right, or have intimacy in your marriage.

Don’t be rude.

Recognize that he deserves the same niceness and hospitality you would give a guest in your house for example.

Don’t yell or give the silent treatment.

If he does something that you really can’t respect, then forgive him because you wouldn’t want him to hold a mistake against you one day.

If you find yourself doing these things Laura suggests saying one sentence, and one sentence only, nothing before and nothing after: “I apologize for being disrespectful when I…(state specific thing).”
Believe it or not, men need respect more than they need physical intimacy. Without it they feel unsuccessful and can withdraw. They will do what they can to spend as much time with the people that show them that respect; whether it’s in the home, at work, with his buddies or wherever.
Wouldn’t you want him to want spend as much time as he can with you?

Try this: As you’re interacting with your husband this week notice when you are being disrespectful and as soon as you recognize it, apologize by saying the magic words, “I apologize for being disrespectful.”
Take note of how you felt saying it, and how your husband reacted. It won’t be easy at first, but practice makes perfect and if Laura is right, his chest should puff out a little from your words.

Winners Announced

At the end of today, the management team finally announced the people who were successful in their internal job application. The Manager Student Success roles were not new - I'm sure everybody saw the two persons would eventually fill in the roles, and the rest of Managers are old school senior staff members. So that was fine.

Now for the 5 AD roles - one which I had applied for and not even been given a chance for interview/presentation - this was where my curiosity fell. One by one the "winners" were announced , most of them had been working closely with SS, who'd be in charge of the new AD team!

Duh!

On one hand I was surprised, looking at those relatively new and young (inexperienced!) faces who got selected. On the other hand, it seemed dull that they opened the door to EVERYONE on the floor to apply yet probably from the beginning it was always SS who controlled over the selection process; and of course, she'd pick people in her own team. How would she know much about how others have performed, right?

It's not fair.
But this is reality.

Back to the train conversation with Aaron, managers have limited range of attention so it's a matter of how you make a big deal of what you've achieved. In other words, you gotta sell yourself up to your manager.

Now I could see how easy it is to forget who your true God is, when this "Manager" figure plays such an important and immediate role in your career success and professional achievements! No wonder there are office politics everwhere. No wonder people are two-faced and trying hard to impress their managers.

But again, managers are simply human beings with limited knowledge. Their decision could easily be influenced by anything outside your control. The facts can be all the same, but the interpretation is the key. They can think of your behavior as outstanding...or lacking. As amazing...or annoying. It's all subjective.
And who controls the heart of human beings?

God.

.......

It crossed my mind a few times; how I deserve a bigger opportunity; how I have more potentials than what's applicable to my current situation; how I haven't been "managed" properly to unleash my talents; and ultimately that it's time for me to look for a "better job".

But now there's been a new perspective. I don't suffer from low finances - so I don't long for a higher paying job. I don't suffer from mean people or work stress - so I don't need to quit. I want to eventually grow and develop a new life in my family - so I don't need to stress about climbing the career ladder.

All I have to do is to find and manage my motivation and take any opportunity that comes by. God knows exactly what I need and He will give it to me at the right time. I just need to sit back, relax, and try to become a better person each day.

Confidence and Speaking

I didn't write "public speaking" up there for a reason. Everyone hates - or, claims to hate - public speaking. So if I tell them I have an issue with public speaking, well, who doesn't?

But my issue is to do with just Speaking, to another human being or a group of human beings. I tend to giggle; I tend to get so self-aware I'd lose my chain of thoughts then get nervous for no real reason! Hearing my own voice talking can make me nervous!

These past few days I'd been sneaking away during work to watch some of the TED-talks videos on Youtube. It amazed me how many people can appear so confident speaking on stage, with lights on their face, to hundreds of audience, about their passion, to create huge impacts in society!

For a moment I had this urge of living in the US in the future, for I've seen many people who grow up in US turn out to be confident, well-articulated people, who speak their mind and not being diplomatic when it comes to a disagreement. They can be assertive but at the same time be honest and show their true self.

I wish I could be one of these people...

Although my company presentation which I did, received many positive feedback from people at work, I watched myself on the recorded video and thought that wasn't good enough. Nobody would take her seriously.

So at choir today, when the floor was open to wishes, I put my hand up and told everyone that I needed help to work on my confidence and communication skills. An unfamiliar face volunteered to help me. We caught up after rehearsal and I found out she came from Singapore when she was 19; wanting to make music videos; ending up as a school teacher; and now working in mortgage. Wow.

We talked about different styles of speaking at work and with your manager in a one-and-one, for example. She'd also taken a course on communication and was happy to share her notes with me.

Then more people, one by one, approached me - all saying they were surprised with my wish.

"What do you need more confidence for? You're already very confident!"

What!?
Just because I sing a tiny solo part they think that I'm confident??

I told them that I didn't feel that way. We got to talk about tricks and personal experiences for a while. I felt very blessed that these people saw me in a positive light and liked me for who I was.

If only I could see me the way you see me...

Maybe I over-criticize myself. But hey, if that's been instilled in me, that means I just have to deal with it along my journey of self-development.

So now I'm writing down some points of action from my full-on conversations:

▶ prepare your dot points before speaking to the other person [MCH]

▶ try to speak face-to-face rather than email [ADW]

▶ learn to say no if you disagree, and state your opinion [ADW]

▶ consider taking up a short course in communication/presentation [JHN]

▶ believe that you're confident, cause that's what other people see [JHN]

Wifey Project

Today I started attending the ladies intensive course on Becoming a True Believer, which will run on the next three Sundays. The course mainly looks into us as human beings; the fact that we are a noble creature because we are given a heart, soul, mind in this physical body, hence a freedom to choose what we do with it; while we are also naturally greedy, ungrateful, forgetful and so on. The next part I believe we will look into Knowing About God. I'm quite excited.

As of course, the audience is female only (and everyone except ME have kids), the Q&A session revolved around husband-wife issues - as always. People asked again and again about the duties, rights, scenarios etc in marriage.

And the speaker mentioned nothing I haven't heard before; the bottom line is: wifes are supposed to obey their husbands as the husbands are now their guardian and take responsibility over them.

And everytime I hear it I feel quite comfortable with this rule, for I know that it is a great opportunity to please God and get rewards by submitting to your husband; there's really nothing to lose. The husband, on the other hand, can get his share of good deeds when he gives into his wife's preference.

In a perfect world, both parties would race towards God's pleasure by racing towards forgiving, loving, serving, caring, sacrificing, compromising, and doing things to put their partner's interest first. Clearly I can make sense of this wife-obeys-husband theory....how simple it is!

And at the end of this kind of discussion, I'd feel energised and excited to meet my husband and treat him much, much better until........I actually meet my husband. For some reason, things turn almost the opposite, all the time.

I'd argue about anything and everything. I'd boss him around and have no mercy. I'd ask him to do things for me and then complain about how he does everything. I almost don't do anything to help in this household!

It's so strange and frustrating and so on-going that it's become FUNNY now that I think about it.

Like this evening. After my night prayer I had an inspiration to seriously work on my role as a wife. I have to start to contribute more in doing chores and even offer him tea - like a typical wife would do? So I invited him for a discussion to see what sort of reinforcement system could help me change in this way.

Well what do you know? This very discussion soon enough turned into an argument. I was frustrated with his responses which I thought were irrelevant, judgemental, not helping, silly, and the list goes on....

I tried to hold my mouth from talking back...and the things I wanted to say piled up so fast that it made me want to laugh.

THAT'S IT. I've been through this! He doesn't get it. He doesn't always get what I want, or what I think should be. And THAT'S the way it is!

True that you have to (generally) obey your husband but this doesn't mean he's perfect or says the right words or does the right things! That's why they need a female on their side!

We're here to support them; to meet his needs; to shape him into a better man! We're the one sensitive enough to notice the little things; to spot the areas of improvements; to fill the gaps in his imperfect way of life! 

Duh!

Recently when I got drowned into winning an argument, I've been using the mantra: "Even though I'm right, I'm not gonna argue with you." It helps a lot to reduce the waste of our energy arguing while still appear as a winner. Lol.

But I still long to reach a higher stage where I don't need to win anything.

So back to our discussion about trying to change me, we figured that Arguing should be my very first step!

He agreed to have one day every week for me to not argue at all. And if I do, I have to pay him $5 per topic (I hope this is motivating enough for him to stay in the game).

Yes, that's a start.

Bismillaahirrahmaanirrahiim...

Reshape

I decided to fast today.
This is supposed to be a repayment from last year since I can't keep track.

And trials came up leaving me emotional at the end of the day.

So there's a reshaping in my department that's supposed to "make us more efficient" and "create opportunities".

It really does.

And I'm sad because I feel already defeated. They remove the part of my role that I prefer doing and give it to a new role which is beyond my reach - so it seems; and that is: client management.

So life was great and suddenly I'm stuck with the choice of either: a) acquire senior role skills overnight and get that new role, or b) suck it up and use half a brain to process robbotic tasks.

No no, it's GREAT for the company!

I'm just feeling pushed to the side and to the background cause I don't know how to show off my knowledge and capabilities. And I know how many others can appear much more confident, outspoken and again....diplomatic.

Sigh...

But then again....I am fasting today. Maybe God made this thing occured today to test me.

God help me take a positive look on things and increase my gratitude!

Back at Work: being Diplomatic

No,  I did not get up early this morning. But I did manage to get up just on time to catch the train to work.

This morning it was raining. Trains were delayed due to the loss of signal closer to the city - that's where I work. That's where many many people work. So you can imagine the traffic disaster.

This morning , too, was our scheduled team breakfast - which turned out to be a quick 15-minute catch-up. But I did appreciate my team members for making the effort to hang around and chat before going into the office.

Today was hectic - I had piling up work from the day before - so much forctaking one day off! Also hectic partly because I had forecasted my whole week to be hectic. Lots to do. Lots to work on. Lots scheduled.

Towards the afternoon I got a sudden meeting invitation. It was the presentation meeting with the CEO which I missed yesterday. I was glad they waited for me.

When I stepped into the room and said hello, the CEO commented,

"Do you call that hijab?"

He was referring to my flowery head scarf.

That's a bit random, I thought.

Apparently he just learnt that word recently. I felt strange, I guess because I took it for granted that everybody in the office got used to my hijab that it was no longer worth commenting on.

A part of me was concerned that I had become some unknown employee who had hijab on, and that was it. Another part of me remembered how I wanted to be a Muslim agent in this "Western world"; so this was a good start, I guess.

People have their stereotypes and he clearly showed how he stereotyped me: Muslim; maybe shy; maybe straight forward instead of throwing (Aussie) jokes; maybe prepared instead of spontaneous - just like a typical Asian.

I tried to speak up more during this meeting, but I was still amazed at how my presentation buddy just made good solid statements on the spot!

Very....diplomatic.

I tell you the background story:

We were given this task to do a company presentation a month ago and since then I would mostly be chasing him to catch-up to discuss how we would plan to do it; if not waiting for him to be available. And just yesterday he sent out this survey - which was supposed to be rewived by me first! And now he talked as if we had worked it all out, together!

"We decided to do this... we planned to do that... we have done this..."

Wait a minute.

WE?!?

When we had not been able to discuss or plan anything since he had been superbusy and not responding to me!??

I wasn't sure how to react. I didn't nodd but didn't complain either. I also didn't want to give the CEO the impression that we hadn't made a start on this task until yesterday!

What an uncomfortable situation that was.

The CEO - being his energetic and optimistic self - listened seriously to my project buddy's bluffing. He wanted us to sort of role play rather than present. I had no idea what it looked like in his mind. My mind was busy planning to catch my buddy straight after to really discuss our plans.

And I did! He was happy to show me the survey results and let me come up with some interview suggestions to be discussed tomorrow.

He didn't confirm any follow-up meeting details. Typical.

Ahhh....this Diplomatic World drives me mad sometimes.

Down We Go

My stage of high didn't seem to last now that I find myself on a sofa - under a blanket - in my living room - on a working day. Yes, I called in sick, while I was really not. To justify it, my psych was sick. It was so sick that it could not get itself together to allow my body to get off the bed, dress up, have breakfast, prepare lunch, and go to work. It was so unwell that it allowed me to cuddle on with my pillows and blanket; send my husband off to work; pick up the phone to let my manager know I wasn't well.

Bad.

I knew I had a lot on today at work. I was supposed to have a catch up this morning with my manager to discuss the monthly report; then have the overdue teleconference with client; then training on a new account; then meeting with mr CEO for presentation update; then choir rehearsal....and I just decided to pull myself out from all that.

Horrible.

What am I .... stressed?

When I told my manager I wanted a day off, she said she was also unwell and going home early.

Is she ... stressed?

Are we stressed because there's just too much on our plate? Or am I - Im afraid - just feeding into my laziness?

It's true that as a permanent employee you'd have the right to certain number of sick leave days in a year. This somehow justified my decision not to come to work today. Other people have taken sick leave all the time - so should I!

Another part of me just felt bad. Guilty. Wasting opportunities. Scared that I'd just turned my exciting life into a misery with my own hands.

I thought of how this all happened.

Maybe it's true how they say you can get more blessings by starting your day early in the morning. Since I got my period I had no obligation to do my morning prayer and stayed up to get dressed and food like I used to do. Instead, I'd get up late, rushed and do the minimal necessities to get myself inside the car in time so that my husband could give me a lift to the train station.

Then the should-have feelings would follow and haunt me throughout the day. I would resent my job; develop negative thoughts of others; which would get down to the old familiar self-degradation.

And it wouldn't stop there. I would carry it home; I'd be snappy at my husband and resent myself for being annoying - on top of the defensive reaction from his side, which I have provoked.

What an evil chain.

It rained outside - not that I had any plans to go out, but somehow it set the scene for depression. I got myself to change and wash the bedsheet after I finally got up. Had a late breakfast - which continued into munching with Friends dvd series.
And here I am now. Writing my life away.
With laundry half way done. (And not having the motivation to continue it).

The funny thing is...just few days ago I was all inspired to raise my standard - as Anthony Robbins said on youtube: that we have the potential to do and gain more in life, by setting our Must-Do routines; because things don't just change overnight; we change as a result of a change in our routine!

I understood his concept perfectly. Yet ... in PRACTICE it is not happening. I have not overcome my other self who is comfortable with the minimal standards, thus won't bother puting the effort.

Is this what is called Jihad?

God...I feel bad for always nagging You to guide me while I don't always follow what my good heart tells me...:(

God...forgive me for giving in to my laziness, for being intentionally weak against evil, for not taking the life that You've Given me seriously :(

God...the Most Powerful...help me get out of this evil darkness and into my energised, grateful self...

God...the Ever-Watching... watch me get up to do my laundry til it's all done; so that the house would be clean again; so that my husband would be pleased again; so that I could be a good worshipper of You again...

Spouse for Granted

I was standing inside a packed train carriage on the way home from work. Everyone was looking down at their gadgets, including a tall young man who sat right infront of me.

His right hand was busy scrolling around his mobile phone, while his left hand was holding something small. It was a little golden paper wrap with a sticker that says Heigh's.

Aww. How sweet.

Did he stopped by the chocolate shop to bring home a little delight for his girl friend?

How I wish I got such gift from my "other half".

Oh wait.

I was the one who usually do this kind of thing. I tend to go for little sweets pit stops. And sometimes - yeah sometimes - I bring some home as a surprise treat.

Then my mind went back to an unpleasant conversation I just had:

Me: Hey Im getting on the train..can you pick me up?

Him: Mmmmhhh..??? I thought you were going to the Masjid

Me: (clearly you don't read my messages!) The class is cancelled so Im going straight home

Him: Errggghh...but Im just taking a nap

Me: (really? don't you miss me? aren't you happy that I get to spend time with you more?) Can you take a nap afterwards instead?

Him: Agghhh....fine!

Me: (feeling horrible)

So why does it seem that married couple are somehow less attached to each other and less in love?

Last night we had a good discussion in the car, about differences in marriages.

My observation led me to think that although inter cultural marriage tends to be viewed as a challenge by most people, the two parties involved usually come prepared. They know they are different to start with. So it is their expectation to face differences everyday, and it is a nice surprise to realise any similarities between them.

On the other hand, normal marriages of people from similar background are actually not as easy as people think. This is because the two parties tend to overlook their differences and hence expectations soar high - that the other person would do the things they do, like the things they like, etc.

Similarities are expected.

They're taken for granted.

Now the differences become the surprise - and in many cases, not a very nice one!

So what do you think of my theory?

*     *     *

I continued to reflect throughout the train journey. When we finally met each other, the happy smile was not shining as much as usual.

I had my other reasons too - lack of sleep due to eczma madness.

After finishing my late afternoon prayer I took some time to sit down and start writing this.

He came down and sat next to me. His voice was broken because of the flu he was suffering from.

"You know what I did today while staying home?" he said. "I was checking facebook and looking at your photo in pink clothes. So cute."

My heart lights up.

"I really miss you."

All praise to God who made us a married couple so that we can freely express our love for each other while, at the same time, please Him.

Bye Beach

I was really looking forward to finishing work today and head off to the seabath house by the beach!

It took quite an effort to persuade my husband to come along to swimming.

I wanted to show him the beautiful sunset by the beach, while the two of us enjoy the warm jacuzzi.

Awhhh...

Today is a public holiday, but as per the company policy I was rostered to work. The office was silent and I felt time was dragging. Finally 4 o'clock came! Yippiii!!

I met him at the prayer place and we had some snacks. I could see a flood of crowd around the river, enjoying the food, rides, and doll prizes. Trust me, I was tempted to cancel my swimming plan!

But I didn't. I managed to stick to our plan and soon the two of us were inside the tram. Side by side. Just like the old days - as uni students, going everywhere by trams. It was nice to look at the many looks and shapes of passengers around us and we were busy making comments.

Finally we got off the tram and I heard music! And I saw white tents!There must be some kind of outdoor festival!

And there was. Though the stalls started to be packed up. We walked through it and towards the beach.

Oh it was wonderful!
The weather was cool. The clouds let through some colorful shines from the afternoon sun. People passed by with their dogs, their prams, their bikes, and loved ones.

Still. Our intention was for that pool - and the jacuzzi!
We walked towards the building and there was something odd.

The pool was empty.

Oh..no..

The front desk was in the dark.

Nooooooooo!!!!

I couldn't believe this. Everything seemed so perfect and I couldn't swim in the end?!?!?

Are You testing me?
I groaned and moaned and he kept saying sorry - which he shouldn't as it wasn't his fault!

Then as we waited for the tram to go back, I tried to apply what I learnt at the self esteem seminar:

Sit straight, and smile.

I'm still upset. But I'm hoping my body can at least benefit from such gesture. And I'm hoping God will surprise me with something better....

Other Factors

I've been looking forward to this day; the day my work mates actually did make it to choir rehearsal! For some of them, it feels like years that they've somehow convinced me they wanted to come to the "next" rehearsal. Of course, they never did. There was always a reason why they couldn't make it.

Dinner with family.
Must get something for nephew.
Must pick up the car.
Tired, need to rest.
Going to the gym.
Got so much work.
Etc...

It's not that I needed my workmates to accompany me going to rehearsal so badly. But I just wanted for them to experience what I have experienced and who knows they might find joy and happiness.

Somehow I felt like I asked them too much. Too often. Well, this is what you get from saying "maybe"!

I might come check it out.
We'll see. Sounds fun.
Okay, but I'll just watch.

To me, all of the above means YES I WILL COME.

But these people might mean YES I WILL SAY WHATEVER THAT YOU MAY WANT TO HEAR EVEN THOUGH I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO!

So. Anyways, the FIVE of them managed to cross the road onto the building where rehearsal was held temporarily. I was all excited and sure that this is the day! This is it!

Once they entered the lobby, one came up with the idea of JUST SITTING ON THE STAIRS AND WATCH instead of participating. What's the fun in that? What's the point!

And of course others decided to do the same.

My worst nightmare.

So what, they'd be just sitting there watching me and this bunch of people sing simple songs?! Seriously. Waste of time right?

Thank God one girl was brave enough to stand in front row with me and sang her heart out.

Then I remembered.

Singing and performing is not for everyone. She just happens to be one of us who find joy in singing and don't hold onto our comfort zone or good image too much.

I also remembered.

I don't control what people would feel. Today, we didn't sing those cool, funky, harmonic songs. Today, we had to sing at the centre of an office lobby with ever moving audiences. Today, our group looked smaller than ever.

Today, some things are just not what I expected.

Well...

Life goes on. And I'm going to meet those people soon enough, the next morning in the office. They can tell whoever they want to tell how boring my choir is. But I just have to remember one thing: it's not my fault.

I guess you'd find the pleasant experience when you put the effort into getting one. If you've closed yourself from the beginning, there's not much I could do...

A husband

I got up last minute for my morning prayer. As usual. Did things almost on auto pilot mode. Not good, I know. Then I did the final part which is saying Salaam to the right and to the left. That was when I saw a bundle of cloth on my bed.

What's that?

It's my PJ clothes that I'd been looking for, yesterday while doing the laundry! Apparently they were hidden underneath the bed blanket all night.

Howcome? Who made the bed yesterday?

A husband.

Of course he did. Cause I would never leave things like that under the blanket.

The thought of scolding him (again) crossed my mind. Then I gave it up. If he didn't see these things, maybe he just doesn't. No matter how many times you bring it up.

My mind took off to things I've heard in this society in general, through people's stories, friends, tv, articles, lectures etc: that men generally don't pay attention to certain details compared to women; and it makes perfect sense how wives get frustrated over their husbands over small issues around the household. In fact, I think many wives can't be bothered delegating house chores to the husbands for this very reason.

Maybe they only see the big picture.

Maybe that's why God made them as the leader in the family. They lead the family to certain direction, while the wives manage the practicality of getting there, like fixing up any mess, correcting whatever is incorrect - cause the men may not even notice these things.

Okay, well I'm not a perfect wife either. Now that I read what I wrote, maybe it's better to focus on how he has kindly helped make the bed when I didn't have time for it. And that's fine. I do take longer to get ready in the morning. Lots of details to attend to; like, are my pins inserted on the right spots to hold my headscarf right, for example. Yep.

God, forgive me for my ill thoughts about him. Help me be more grateful for his actions and decisions though they're very different from mine. For it is You who brought us together for a reason. Please make it easy for me to smile more.

especially to him.

Amiin.