Back at Work: being Diplomatic

No,  I did not get up early this morning. But I did manage to get up just on time to catch the train to work.

This morning it was raining. Trains were delayed due to the loss of signal closer to the city - that's where I work. That's where many many people work. So you can imagine the traffic disaster.

This morning , too, was our scheduled team breakfast - which turned out to be a quick 15-minute catch-up. But I did appreciate my team members for making the effort to hang around and chat before going into the office.

Today was hectic - I had piling up work from the day before - so much forctaking one day off! Also hectic partly because I had forecasted my whole week to be hectic. Lots to do. Lots to work on. Lots scheduled.

Towards the afternoon I got a sudden meeting invitation. It was the presentation meeting with the CEO which I missed yesterday. I was glad they waited for me.

When I stepped into the room and said hello, the CEO commented,

"Do you call that hijab?"

He was referring to my flowery head scarf.

That's a bit random, I thought.

Apparently he just learnt that word recently. I felt strange, I guess because I took it for granted that everybody in the office got used to my hijab that it was no longer worth commenting on.

A part of me was concerned that I had become some unknown employee who had hijab on, and that was it. Another part of me remembered how I wanted to be a Muslim agent in this "Western world"; so this was a good start, I guess.

People have their stereotypes and he clearly showed how he stereotyped me: Muslim; maybe shy; maybe straight forward instead of throwing (Aussie) jokes; maybe prepared instead of spontaneous - just like a typical Asian.

I tried to speak up more during this meeting, but I was still amazed at how my presentation buddy just made good solid statements on the spot!

Very....diplomatic.

I tell you the background story:

We were given this task to do a company presentation a month ago and since then I would mostly be chasing him to catch-up to discuss how we would plan to do it; if not waiting for him to be available. And just yesterday he sent out this survey - which was supposed to be rewived by me first! And now he talked as if we had worked it all out, together!

"We decided to do this... we planned to do that... we have done this..."

Wait a minute.

WE?!?

When we had not been able to discuss or plan anything since he had been superbusy and not responding to me!??

I wasn't sure how to react. I didn't nodd but didn't complain either. I also didn't want to give the CEO the impression that we hadn't made a start on this task until yesterday!

What an uncomfortable situation that was.

The CEO - being his energetic and optimistic self - listened seriously to my project buddy's bluffing. He wanted us to sort of role play rather than present. I had no idea what it looked like in his mind. My mind was busy planning to catch my buddy straight after to really discuss our plans.

And I did! He was happy to show me the survey results and let me come up with some interview suggestions to be discussed tomorrow.

He didn't confirm any follow-up meeting details. Typical.

Ahhh....this Diplomatic World drives me mad sometimes.

Down We Go

My stage of high didn't seem to last now that I find myself on a sofa - under a blanket - in my living room - on a working day. Yes, I called in sick, while I was really not. To justify it, my psych was sick. It was so sick that it could not get itself together to allow my body to get off the bed, dress up, have breakfast, prepare lunch, and go to work. It was so unwell that it allowed me to cuddle on with my pillows and blanket; send my husband off to work; pick up the phone to let my manager know I wasn't well.

Bad.

I knew I had a lot on today at work. I was supposed to have a catch up this morning with my manager to discuss the monthly report; then have the overdue teleconference with client; then training on a new account; then meeting with mr CEO for presentation update; then choir rehearsal....and I just decided to pull myself out from all that.

Horrible.

What am I .... stressed?

When I told my manager I wanted a day off, she said she was also unwell and going home early.

Is she ... stressed?

Are we stressed because there's just too much on our plate? Or am I - Im afraid - just feeding into my laziness?

It's true that as a permanent employee you'd have the right to certain number of sick leave days in a year. This somehow justified my decision not to come to work today. Other people have taken sick leave all the time - so should I!

Another part of me just felt bad. Guilty. Wasting opportunities. Scared that I'd just turned my exciting life into a misery with my own hands.

I thought of how this all happened.

Maybe it's true how they say you can get more blessings by starting your day early in the morning. Since I got my period I had no obligation to do my morning prayer and stayed up to get dressed and food like I used to do. Instead, I'd get up late, rushed and do the minimal necessities to get myself inside the car in time so that my husband could give me a lift to the train station.

Then the should-have feelings would follow and haunt me throughout the day. I would resent my job; develop negative thoughts of others; which would get down to the old familiar self-degradation.

And it wouldn't stop there. I would carry it home; I'd be snappy at my husband and resent myself for being annoying - on top of the defensive reaction from his side, which I have provoked.

What an evil chain.

It rained outside - not that I had any plans to go out, but somehow it set the scene for depression. I got myself to change and wash the bedsheet after I finally got up. Had a late breakfast - which continued into munching with Friends dvd series.
And here I am now. Writing my life away.
With laundry half way done. (And not having the motivation to continue it).

The funny thing is...just few days ago I was all inspired to raise my standard - as Anthony Robbins said on youtube: that we have the potential to do and gain more in life, by setting our Must-Do routines; because things don't just change overnight; we change as a result of a change in our routine!

I understood his concept perfectly. Yet ... in PRACTICE it is not happening. I have not overcome my other self who is comfortable with the minimal standards, thus won't bother puting the effort.

Is this what is called Jihad?

God...I feel bad for always nagging You to guide me while I don't always follow what my good heart tells me...:(

God...forgive me for giving in to my laziness, for being intentionally weak against evil, for not taking the life that You've Given me seriously :(

God...the Most Powerful...help me get out of this evil darkness and into my energised, grateful self...

God...the Ever-Watching... watch me get up to do my laundry til it's all done; so that the house would be clean again; so that my husband would be pleased again; so that I could be a good worshipper of You again...

The Stage of High

This post relates to the last post I wrote, where I found myself energised full of ideas.
Well guess what. Last night at choir we had a guest conductor.

Light bulb!

I approached Tania and expressed my interest in conducting. Reality hit me. She and Shaun started asking me all these job-interview questions; have I had conducting experience; am I able to play an instrument well etc. I realised I couldn't say YES confidently to both questions although I did mention what I have done in the past.
So Tania got Shaun agree to take me "under his wings" so that I get a chance to learn a thing or two.

Happy about that.

All night I was thinking of how I want to use my chance - if given, someday.  I've been itching to work the choir on "Climb Every Mountain" so I hope Shaun wouldn't mind me playing around with that song.

So after choir I met my husband in the car. He too has been excited as he managed to get 27 people ordering his becoming-famous Bulgogi lunch pack for the camp this weekend! TWENTY SEVEN. I had to ask him to put a cap on the final number so that he wouldn't be overloaded.
That night he spent cutting and slicing all the meat really thinly.

***

It's funny just to step back and watch how the two of us are currently feeling excited, inspired and empowered. Whereas, usually we don't do anything major; mostly getting on with life; do whatever is necessary; live to sleep and sleep to live. I pray that God keeps guiding us to our own unique purpose in life; to serve Him in the way He wants us to; to be useful for the world; to share our well-designed strengths and talents to others; to hopefully bring others back to Him and prevent others going astray from His path.

Amiin.

Rule the World

I've been analysing myself and convinced that I generally don't possess a very high level of spirit for life. I never knew what I want to in life; or what my goals are in the next few years; or what legacy I want to leave the world with.

I also noticed how I tend to be attracted to new things, new activities, yet I easily got bored and lost my appetite to keep it up.

So now I'm questioning what's going on as I recently just feel the energy to start some big projects and I just feel somehow like a different person - one who looks forward, energised with full of ideas and willingness to take action!

So let's look at these projects I have in mind at this stage:

1. Conducting a choir!

It started after I attended The Decibelles where I got a song idea for the choir: "Happy". Weeks seemed to be dragging, until I finally got my group of soloists trained. And I thought, maybe I can actually conduct a whole choir as a side job! I have now planned to check out a few different choirs to learn a thing or two from the different conductors.

2. Company presentation!

Few weeks ago I signed up for a training session conducted by our CEO on presentation skills. I thought it was alright. Yet I surprised myself! The CEO was looking for a person to present at the next Company Briefing - that is, to an audience of maybe 200 people! - and I put my hand up!!
I could hardly believe what I did but at the same time was glad I decided to face my fear of presenting in public. So I had a catch up with the CEO who gave me a great idea to work on: I will present stories of our various client universities and their relationship with our business. I've indeed been interested to know this myself!

3. Aerobics Instructor

Also few weeks ago, I got a 3-day gym trial pass at work and used it up at the gym accross the road. I loved the Body Attack session followed by Body Balance. The second time I went to Body Attack I had lost half of my motivation and I was convinced that gym membership is not for me. Though I do like working my heart beat out. So I thought why not have my own class with my own moves - surely many of my girlfriends need to exercise! So I started my first session at HY's, just the two of us :)

4. Catering business

No I still don't cook. But my husband does! He's been into this Japanese/Korean cooking and loves to cook the same thing over and over again for other people. So I started soft promoting lunchboxes to my friends at work. He's got two customers for tomorrow! and now I'm thinking of investing in cute little containers, branding, fb page etc!

Seriously. What's got into me lately.

I wonder if some people feel energised full of ideas and wants and goals throughout their whole life!

God...thank You for Your blessing...for my body, thoughts and emotions to synchronise...for the world around me to flow in the same direction as my wants...for this sense of ability and possibility...the sense of optimism and positivity... I thank You for giving me the chance to experience this state...a state I'm not familiar with...I'm asking for Your guidance...make me useful to the world...help me become what You want me to be...

Alhamdulillaahirabbil aalamiin.

Spouse for Granted

I was standing inside a packed train carriage on the way home from work. Everyone was looking down at their gadgets, including a tall young man who sat right infront of me.

His right hand was busy scrolling around his mobile phone, while his left hand was holding something small. It was a little golden paper wrap with a sticker that says Heigh's.

Aww. How sweet.

Did he stopped by the chocolate shop to bring home a little delight for his girl friend?

How I wish I got such gift from my "other half".

Oh wait.

I was the one who usually do this kind of thing. I tend to go for little sweets pit stops. And sometimes - yeah sometimes - I bring some home as a surprise treat.

Then my mind went back to an unpleasant conversation I just had:

Me: Hey Im getting on the train..can you pick me up?

Him: Mmmmhhh..??? I thought you were going to the Masjid

Me: (clearly you don't read my messages!) The class is cancelled so Im going straight home

Him: Errggghh...but Im just taking a nap

Me: (really? don't you miss me? aren't you happy that I get to spend time with you more?) Can you take a nap afterwards instead?

Him: Agghhh....fine!

Me: (feeling horrible)

So why does it seem that married couple are somehow less attached to each other and less in love?

Last night we had a good discussion in the car, about differences in marriages.

My observation led me to think that although inter cultural marriage tends to be viewed as a challenge by most people, the two parties involved usually come prepared. They know they are different to start with. So it is their expectation to face differences everyday, and it is a nice surprise to realise any similarities between them.

On the other hand, normal marriages of people from similar background are actually not as easy as people think. This is because the two parties tend to overlook their differences and hence expectations soar high - that the other person would do the things they do, like the things they like, etc.

Similarities are expected.

They're taken for granted.

Now the differences become the surprise - and in many cases, not a very nice one!

So what do you think of my theory?

*     *     *

I continued to reflect throughout the train journey. When we finally met each other, the happy smile was not shining as much as usual.

I had my other reasons too - lack of sleep due to eczma madness.

After finishing my late afternoon prayer I took some time to sit down and start writing this.

He came down and sat next to me. His voice was broken because of the flu he was suffering from.

"You know what I did today while staying home?" he said. "I was checking facebook and looking at your photo in pink clothes. So cute."

My heart lights up.

"I really miss you."

All praise to God who made us a married couple so that we can freely express our love for each other while, at the same time, please Him.

Meals

I just read a friend's blog series. She would just write about anything and ANYTHING at all!

So this time she talked about ANYTHING while she's cooking. Simple packet ingredients, but I'm still amazed by how easy she made cooking looks.

What about me?
Well I just finished the choir rehearsal (and the four of us sang together for the first time! still bit messy though). I'm on the train, on my way home.

It's already dark. 7.58pm.
Oh well. it's eight!

I have to get home and do the sunset prayer, then take a salt bath for my eczma. I predict I'd be done and ready for my night prayer by 9 or 9.30. Then I'd have to read two pages of Qur'an to maintain my pace.

It will be 10.00pm before I know it!

Who cooks at 10pm?

so what do I get for dinner?

I stopped by Red Rooster for a tiny cup of peas and a pinaple fritter.

That's my life.