Giving up

Today, afterwork, the feeling came again.

I'm tired of trying. Tired of living.

On some level my work has come down to a comfortable zone - where I no longer get excited to handle academic transcripts or other student service activities.

Today a student carrying the name of the nobel Prophet pbuh came along with his obviously-out-there girlfriend. He acted like a king and talked to me as if I were his slave. No mercy. Frontal impatience. Naughty laughters with his girlfriend.

Pinched my heart. He tored a really bad mark on this religion I hold high. On the Prophet I'm trying to love more. On my faith identity!

I could feel the heat coming up my head and face. I said polite, professional phrases as usual though inside I screamed he didn't deserve any of it.

I chanted praises to God softly as I gave him some assistance just to calm myself down.
To prevent any burning sharp comments coming out of my mouth.

After my sunset prayer I sat there, reflecting on my day... reflecting on the past years and on my life. I was imagining my future. This pregnancy. The motherhood. The challenges for me to overcome.

I'm weak without God. I can achieve nothing without His help...His guidance and protection.
And I'm tired of trying.
I want to return to Him. And rest.

God please help me.

GP Day Twenty Three - Babytalks

Baby turned 18 weeks in my belly today. Everyone keeps saying that this time babies can use their senses and they can hear your voice!.

Exciting.
But what am I supposed to say to mine? I haven't really been a good baby-talker - that's when you talk to a baby or toddler and just keep talking even though you get no clear response in return.

And I feel awkward to supplicate (read: demand) that s/he shall grow up into this all-good humanbeing. I feel the responsibility lies heavily on us the parents; even more on me.

So during today's lunch break I took a stroll at the park, keeping in mind that I was taking my baby with me. The sun came out showing off the beautiful clear fresh air after the rain had passed.

At the start, I told my baby I wasn't sure what to say. I then went on noticing the bright green coloured grass and the blue skies; and I took nice deep breaths.

Dear Baby,
A beautiful world is waiting for you out here. The green grass. Tall trees. You'll have a wonderful time watching the man-made water fountains. Smelling the air. Enjoying the warmth of the sun shine. We'll visit the parks together and have the best times - you and me.

Then I felt happier myself.

GP Day Twenty Two - jobs

Tonight's post is a reflection of my AHA moment that occurred just a few minutes ago.
Today I met AY for lunch. She just started working at the university and told me a little bit about her role; big team, varied tasks, nice modern office, flexible break times etc - well, at least these were what I imagined it to be. Then as I walked out from the campus my preggy friend YN told me via Whatsapp that she got a job that she loves very much; family business, overlooking accounts, lots of flexibility and autonomy etc.

Just a while ago I heard about CS getting a job at the university; much higher pay range, working with an old coleage, meetings, (didn't even have a degree), flexible breaks etc.

Also a while ago as I was having lunch with AD she casually teased that I got thrown into the dark side in terms of role allocation, as compared to a three others girls from my old job, who were interviewed at around the same time.

From that moment I started to think.

A while before that as I was catching-up with an old friend MBTN, she concluded I got rated the same as those who graduated with a diploma. (And she knew, I held a Masters degree).

From that moment I started to think.

I started to question. I started to make assumptions.
I started to look down on myself.

I started to apply for other positions internally.

Only one interview conducted. Over a month ago. Still no news.

And only tonight I realised.

God is testing me for sure. He could easily let me move into higher, more challenging roles - aa He easily put my friends in their good jobs right now. And I have been asking Him to lead me to what's good for me; where HE wants me to be.

So far this is His answer. This must be my portion when it comes to jobs, career and monetary income.

All I need to do is to be grateful.

Be grateful for reconnecting with God and my purpose of life.

Be grateful for realising God's test on me and that He is the Most Wise.

Be grateful for maintaining a positive attitudes towards my friends who got the roles (I truly thought) I'd "die" for.

Knowing that my happiness does not depend on what job I'm doing.

My happiness is with God and being grateful to Him.