Down We Go

My stage of high didn't seem to last now that I find myself on a sofa - under a blanket - in my living room - on a working day. Yes, I called in sick, while I was really not. To justify it, my psych was sick. It was so sick that it could not get itself together to allow my body to get off the bed, dress up, have breakfast, prepare lunch, and go to work. It was so unwell that it allowed me to cuddle on with my pillows and blanket; send my husband off to work; pick up the phone to let my manager know I wasn't well.

Bad.

I knew I had a lot on today at work. I was supposed to have a catch up this morning with my manager to discuss the monthly report; then have the overdue teleconference with client; then training on a new account; then meeting with mr CEO for presentation update; then choir rehearsal....and I just decided to pull myself out from all that.

Horrible.

What am I .... stressed?

When I told my manager I wanted a day off, she said she was also unwell and going home early.

Is she ... stressed?

Are we stressed because there's just too much on our plate? Or am I - Im afraid - just feeding into my laziness?

It's true that as a permanent employee you'd have the right to certain number of sick leave days in a year. This somehow justified my decision not to come to work today. Other people have taken sick leave all the time - so should I!

Another part of me just felt bad. Guilty. Wasting opportunities. Scared that I'd just turned my exciting life into a misery with my own hands.

I thought of how this all happened.

Maybe it's true how they say you can get more blessings by starting your day early in the morning. Since I got my period I had no obligation to do my morning prayer and stayed up to get dressed and food like I used to do. Instead, I'd get up late, rushed and do the minimal necessities to get myself inside the car in time so that my husband could give me a lift to the train station.

Then the should-have feelings would follow and haunt me throughout the day. I would resent my job; develop negative thoughts of others; which would get down to the old familiar self-degradation.

And it wouldn't stop there. I would carry it home; I'd be snappy at my husband and resent myself for being annoying - on top of the defensive reaction from his side, which I have provoked.

What an evil chain.

It rained outside - not that I had any plans to go out, but somehow it set the scene for depression. I got myself to change and wash the bedsheet after I finally got up. Had a late breakfast - which continued into munching with Friends dvd series.
And here I am now. Writing my life away.
With laundry half way done. (And not having the motivation to continue it).

The funny thing is...just few days ago I was all inspired to raise my standard - as Anthony Robbins said on youtube: that we have the potential to do and gain more in life, by setting our Must-Do routines; because things don't just change overnight; we change as a result of a change in our routine!

I understood his concept perfectly. Yet ... in PRACTICE it is not happening. I have not overcome my other self who is comfortable with the minimal standards, thus won't bother puting the effort.

Is this what is called Jihad?

God...I feel bad for always nagging You to guide me while I don't always follow what my good heart tells me...:(

God...forgive me for giving in to my laziness, for being intentionally weak against evil, for not taking the life that You've Given me seriously :(

God...the Most Powerful...help me get out of this evil darkness and into my energised, grateful self...

God...the Ever-Watching... watch me get up to do my laundry til it's all done; so that the house would be clean again; so that my husband would be pleased again; so that I could be a good worshipper of You again...