Ramadhan is Ending

Tonight will be the last night of this year's Ramadhan, yet I feel like I haven't achieved much. My weeks have been busy with the daily work. We still tend to go back to bed after our morning meal. These past few days I have even been arriving late to work! I still get snappy at my husband from time to time. That's probably an effect from a bad day at work. And what I mean "bad" is not usually related to any bad incidents - but merely nothing exciting happens and the day is felt utterly dull. That is, bad.

I still try to keep up with my tarawih prayers in the evening but we mostly do it at home. I occupy my mind with the conflicts in Gaza and have been having discussions with some of my Jewish friends. These just go in circle as we all rely on media sources which would always portray one side as the victim while the other is a villain.

I'm giving up on this issue. There is not much I can do to change the world but at least I've got more insights into the different perspectives on both sides.

Okay I need to go and pray Zuhur now..

Dear Hubby

I was texting him today while working. I knew it wasn't going any closer to a stimulating conversation. It hardly is, anyway. But I put extra efforts in writing nice things. Politely flirty things - which sounded so fake I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time!

I pushed back the urge to nag him or do a check of chores with him. Our conversation was short. It was irrelevant. It was just overrated praises and gratitude, without a real topic....just like some nice decoration.

And I realised this is exactly what we used to do before we got married...

*   *   *

As I was walking out of the office I contemplated how he's been treating me well. Full of gentleness and caring. When he speaks to me his tone is always polite - it often sounds formal and it annoys me. But he tried to be nice. He tried to be what I asked of him.

He tried so hard that it becomes his nature...

All this time, it's always him who is willing to go into the deep end of things...and do the dirty work to fix things...
He wouldn't ever hesitate to get up and go for it - whatever needs to be done to give me comfort. To make my life easier.

So how do I not see him all this time and all these years that we've lived together?

What stops me from being nice to him...?

Current Issues

Just as I was writing the previous blog post, apparently there was good news coming my way. A few hours later I was informed that there would be a salary increase starting in the next pay cycle!

Maybe God prefers me to stay in this company.

Career issue put aside.
Social media is massively packed with these issues now:
1. Israel bombed Gaza
2. Indonesian election results
3. Brazil World Cup (though I don't follow much)

Whilst in my world, here are the top issue:
1. Becoming apprehensive with routines
2. Stomach cramp & eczma
3. Planning house chores
....
....
...Gaza issue.

I got my "monthly" this morning and so that eliminates the need for me to attend the Tarawih prayer tonight.
Ideally I would use my time to do the laundry, vacum the rooms, fold our clothes and even cook lots and lots of veggies to stock up!!

But another part of me is feeling the cramp, the boredom and physical fatigue. This part of me just wants to indulge in sweets, msg-related snacks, and bed!

God please help me stay strong.
Remind me that I'm stronger than that - cause You're the Strongest of all.

Lost

This is the first time I write a blog post during my work hours. I was going to take a walk for the morning break but it's too cold and windy outside that I decided to sit around in my favourite place - a lobby with high ceilings, sofas and people's chatters.

These days I came to work feeling flat - like I couldn't care much. About my work. About those students. About my manager's perceptions. About socialising with anyone. Just about anything I used to care about.

It seemed that nothing was really happening at work. Nothing was changing - despite the big waves of announcements about the Reshape we heard last month. So far it was business as usual. With less intensity and volume, for some reason. At least, in my case.

I've started looking for other jobs out there, from university, to government, to banking (I know!). I felt so clueless I didn't know where my career was heading to. My husband just lost his job last week and it was weird and a little shocking at first. He's having a few interviews today so I'm hoping for the best for him, for our family.

All this job-hunting led me away from my wifey goals and I seem to have lost it somewhere in the middle. I don't want to stay here because I'm just so bored with my days. But I don't want to start a new career from scratch altogether because I need to settle down and stress less - or even plan a maternity leave - well, for the future. And so....I'm just confused.

Dear God....what is it that You want us to do at this point of time... we both are so lost in our career - especially me. Where can I go to find that peace and contentment...
What should I do....
Please have mercy on us and please guide me every step of the way....