GP Day Thirty - Hajj Reflection

In the midst of caring for my two-month-old baby I found myself staring at my prayer mat which had an image of the Masjid il Haram of Mecca. My mind started to replay the fascinating journey my husband and I took on two years ago, performing our Hajj (pilgrimage).

Why is it that each of us is required to perform Hajj at least once in our life time...?

As I pondered, I remembered the many life-changing experiences told by others who'd done it.

How about me... What was it that I was supposed to take with me when I returned from Hajj...

Was it the excitement of entering the worlds' most magnificent Masjids?
Was it the interesting observation of the local customs?
Or was it the lovely friendships built within the group?

My mind quickly revisited the main activities involved in the Hajj itself.

Arafah!
Being within an area called Arafah, at certain time, is so paramount that without it the Hajj wouldn't be valid.

Now I remember....!

Something very intense and unexpected happened to me there. As I was about to read my long list of wishes to ask from God, I was hit by a sudden, huge realisation of God's blessings and generosity throughout my whole life - until this moment when I stood at that very spot, in Arafah.
It was so overwhelming that tears were pouring out.

I remembered standing there with a small damp towel in my hand.

Now that the year of my Hajj had passed, I'd gone back to my ungrateful self. Despite being blessed with a baby, I'd been frustrated and busy asking God to make things easier for me.

I simply forgot about my special moment in Arafah.

God, all praise to You. Lord of the Worlds.

GP Day Twenty nine - Newborn

It happened. It really happened!
My baby was born on October 10th.
That little life who kicked and stretched inside my belly finally came out.

A tiny baby boy.

Life was getting even busier once he was out. As I'm typing this on my phone, he is lying on my shoulder trying to burp after a feed.

I practically work my primary needs around his feeding sessions - I mean my sleeping, eating, showering, toilet breaks and Whatsapp-ing.
That's basically all I manage to do during my post-natal days and weeks. Occasionally I would taje him out to our important health-related appointments.

Feeding has been a series of tests for both of us. First of all, he was born a tiny baby who was a bit yellow - though normal and healthy, thank God. So hence he needed lots of breastmilk to grow out of it.
On my first night back from the hospital I was already crying from pain. Cracked, red nipples. Not fun.
I ended up using the nipple shields for the whole week.

But then we found out he wasn't getting enough food as the shield made him work extra hard to get the milk out. So, back with the sore nipples, I went to the lactation workahop and re-learnt about proper latching. Feeding him wasn't too horrific anymore.

But then I started to get lumps of milk and swollen breasts. It was painful to even lift up my arm. The only way to fix it is through feeding, but the blockage wasn't helping. Tried everything from massages, pumps, heat pack, cold pack, cabbage leaves, to supplement pills. It went on for a few days and got better slowly.

But then my baby lost so much weight as he wasn't able to access the blocked milk as much. He was light, weak, and more motivated to sleep away than to cry for food. We had to top him up with formula milk and thank God his weight is now back on track.

As I'm reading through what I've written so far, it all sounded alright. Trust me, throughout the process I was really miserable. The physical pain, the cries of hunger, the exhaustion, the frustration, everything added onto my stress level. I was snappy at my husband and mum who tried their best to help and comfort me. That also made me feel worse.

And guess what. When you are stressed,your milk supply goes down.

I kept asking myself why God made such system; where a baby can't have anything but breastmilk; where milk supply goes up with the sucking; where latching can br painful in many ways; where stress makes things worse.

It was as if all those trials were meant to train me up to be more patient and to remain positive no matter what challenge faced me. 

Maybe that's it!

GP Twenty Eight - 2 more weeks!

I used to plan in my head, that when I fall pregnant I'd have this routine, detailed online diary which I could look back on and reflect...

Who would've thought - time flies even faster when you're pregnant. This is because you have all these new medical appointments to attend - on top of your regular activities like work, house chores and social events!

In fact, during my pregnancy journey I was busy with a few creative projects like selling my paintings in the markets and creating a music video with a bunch of friends.

I thank God for giving me the ability to do these things. I thank God for protecting the life inside my belly, keeping it strong and healthy while I focus on other things.

Before I know it, I'm already in the middle of my 38th week of pregnancy. Baby is physically ready to come out anytime now. The estimated due date is coming in about two weeks. The fear of labour pain is slowly replaced by the excitement of experiencing a miracle, of applying new relaxation techniques, and of meeting this new little person!

GP Day Twenty-six - entering 3rd Trimest

It's Thursday morning of a non-working day. The house is arguably clean. I just need to pick up my family from a nearby train station soon.

I'm in bed - not doing anything. TV is on - not really being watched.

What am I going to do once a stop working in a few weeks' time?

But anyways, I have been wanting to write about my gratitude for a relatively easy pregnancy.

Looking at my pre-pregnant self, I didn't have the best digestion system and the best exercise routines, nor ability to perform a regular healthy cooking. My happiness level goes up and down.

But somehow I made it through the last 6 months with very little pregnancy issues - mostly just feeling bloated and uncomfortable in the tummy.

I've been able to eat anything that's there for me to eat.
My shoe size hasn't changed.
My back feels alright.
I don't see any stretch marks as yet.
I've been able to commute on public transport and perform the 9-5 work four days every week.
I've been able to walk all the way to and from my hospital appointments.
I've been actively working on the singing/video project with my choir friends.
I had a good gentle dance with my 27-week belly at a friend's birthday drinks.
I've been able to complete my 30-day plus 6-day fasting accummulated from last year!

This baby is a real bless. He or she would go along with whatever it is that I need to do without showing any signs of physical complaints.

Despite my major sweets cravings, my glucose blood test revealed a normal sugar and vitamin D level.

It surprised me when my midwife seemed satisfied with both my and baby's conditions.

I know this is all the work of God's. He has been protecting us and taking good care of both of us. I know I wouldn't be able to do this on my own. I struggle to keep up with healthy eating. I struggle to talk regularly to my belly. I struggle to keep up with exercise.

I still struggle with getting up in the morning!

If you look at me, there's probably not much change in how I live my life since I got pregnant. Yet my belly keeps growing and somehow there's Someone looking after the new little life inside it.

I am truly grateful.

GP Day Twenty Five - does he like me?

"Hey you both work at the same uni; might as well ask him to have lunch together or something.."

"Well...I don't know if he even wants to."

"But he likes you, right? I mean you guys spent the night together and all that."

"I don't know. Maybe he just wanted the sex.."

"Aww. Why did you agree to that?"

"Cause I liked him.."

***

This Western version of relationship building is really doing my head in.
How could you meet someone for the first time, talk for hours and slept over at his place...BUT didn't even ask for each other's numbers NOR find out how you feel for each other?

She's now left in limbo. If she initiates their facebook conversation, she'd come out as desperate. If she waits until he initiates anything, she'd be stuck in the guess work.

It's tricky. It's weird. It's awkward.

And I'm truly grateful that I haven't found myself in such situation. Ever.

In my world, you meet someone, you get his number, you hang out - maybe for years! - then you get married, THEN you sleep together.

I am grateful to be blessed with a good man as my husband. He may not be creative or funny or popular or have this 100% mind connection with me... but he is patient, hardworking, always willing to help, to care, even to put my needs over his. Above all, he has faith in God.

I pray that people will come to their senses when it comes to relationships. I pray that men would respect the girls - and maybe more importantly, that the girls respect their own worth and dignity. Amen.

GP Day Twenty-Four - Pretty

I've passed half way through my pregnancy and my weeks have been choca blocked filled with social activities, mainly catching up with ex-coworkers, ladies group, choir friends, birthdays etc. As a result, I've taken and shared loads of memorable photos via whatsapp and facebook.

People have been checking my photos out and commenting positively. To my surprise, Dad actually shared some of my photos with our relatives, saying that I've become prettier with this pregnancy. I was flattered yet couldn't think of a response so I stayed quiet.

Now thinking to myself: has all these physical praises become some sort of an addiction?

I don't want to say yes to that. I really appreciate people's positive comments about me and my pictures. I guess I'm trying to stirr this worry into a gratitude feeling.

I am grateful to be given my "glow" - which could be a result of the health and happiness level combined.
For that, I am grateful that God spares me the energy despite the busy activities around my days.

I am hoping to be more able to worship Him and invest my time and energy to get closer to Him.

God help us...

Giving up

Today, afterwork, the feeling came again.

I'm tired of trying. Tired of living.

On some level my work has come down to a comfortable zone - where I no longer get excited to handle academic transcripts or other student service activities.

Today a student carrying the name of the nobel Prophet pbuh came along with his obviously-out-there girlfriend. He acted like a king and talked to me as if I were his slave. No mercy. Frontal impatience. Naughty laughters with his girlfriend.

Pinched my heart. He tored a really bad mark on this religion I hold high. On the Prophet I'm trying to love more. On my faith identity!

I could feel the heat coming up my head and face. I said polite, professional phrases as usual though inside I screamed he didn't deserve any of it.

I chanted praises to God softly as I gave him some assistance just to calm myself down.
To prevent any burning sharp comments coming out of my mouth.

After my sunset prayer I sat there, reflecting on my day... reflecting on the past years and on my life. I was imagining my future. This pregnancy. The motherhood. The challenges for me to overcome.

I'm weak without God. I can achieve nothing without His help...His guidance and protection.
And I'm tired of trying.
I want to return to Him. And rest.

God please help me.

GP Day Twenty Three - Babytalks

Baby turned 18 weeks in my belly today. Everyone keeps saying that this time babies can use their senses and they can hear your voice!.

Exciting.
But what am I supposed to say to mine? I haven't really been a good baby-talker - that's when you talk to a baby or toddler and just keep talking even though you get no clear response in return.

And I feel awkward to supplicate (read: demand) that s/he shall grow up into this all-good humanbeing. I feel the responsibility lies heavily on us the parents; even more on me.

So during today's lunch break I took a stroll at the park, keeping in mind that I was taking my baby with me. The sun came out showing off the beautiful clear fresh air after the rain had passed.

At the start, I told my baby I wasn't sure what to say. I then went on noticing the bright green coloured grass and the blue skies; and I took nice deep breaths.

Dear Baby,
A beautiful world is waiting for you out here. The green grass. Tall trees. You'll have a wonderful time watching the man-made water fountains. Smelling the air. Enjoying the warmth of the sun shine. We'll visit the parks together and have the best times - you and me.

Then I felt happier myself.

GP Day Twenty Two - jobs

Tonight's post is a reflection of my AHA moment that occurred just a few minutes ago.
Today I met AY for lunch. She just started working at the university and told me a little bit about her role; big team, varied tasks, nice modern office, flexible break times etc - well, at least these were what I imagined it to be. Then as I walked out from the campus my preggy friend YN told me via Whatsapp that she got a job that she loves very much; family business, overlooking accounts, lots of flexibility and autonomy etc.

Just a while ago I heard about CS getting a job at the university; much higher pay range, working with an old coleage, meetings, (didn't even have a degree), flexible breaks etc.

Also a while ago as I was having lunch with AD she casually teased that I got thrown into the dark side in terms of role allocation, as compared to a three others girls from my old job, who were interviewed at around the same time.

From that moment I started to think.

A while before that as I was catching-up with an old friend MBTN, she concluded I got rated the same as those who graduated with a diploma. (And she knew, I held a Masters degree).

From that moment I started to think.

I started to question. I started to make assumptions.
I started to look down on myself.

I started to apply for other positions internally.

Only one interview conducted. Over a month ago. Still no news.

And only tonight I realised.

God is testing me for sure. He could easily let me move into higher, more challenging roles - aa He easily put my friends in their good jobs right now. And I have been asking Him to lead me to what's good for me; where HE wants me to be.

So far this is His answer. This must be my portion when it comes to jobs, career and monetary income.

All I need to do is to be grateful.

Be grateful for reconnecting with God and my purpose of life.

Be grateful for realising God's test on me and that He is the Most Wise.

Be grateful for maintaining a positive attitudes towards my friends who got the roles (I truly thought) I'd "die" for.

Knowing that my happiness does not depend on what job I'm doing.

My happiness is with God and being grateful to Him.

The Whole Point of Life

Ok I haven't posted anything for, like, two months! My train rides had been filled up with replying hundreds of Whatsapp messages, standing up trying not to fall onto othet passengers, or jobhunting (again!). No more writing.

Life is still interesting. My baby belly is getting obvious during the day - but disappearing when I lie down.
My in-laws are here and we've been busy these days. I spent more time in the kitchen than ever!

But most importantly - what I wanted to talk about this time around - I think I found the WHOLE POINT of life.

Through the picnic session with the YIMSA girls few weeks ago, God reminded me that all things good and bad are given by Him; and that we shall ACCEPT them and ask HIM for what we want. That's so that we achieve happiness by content.
It's not easy in practise but God has many ways to test us so that we can try again and again to achieve this happiness. Eventually we'd master the tricks and it'd become easier for us to accept, let go, communicate and be happy.

God reminded me, again, through the dawn sermon at the masjid last Sunday. The speaker chose the "love for God" as the topic. It was good; I was glad these people started to insert the "love" component into religious sermon. So it's not just about do's, dont's, punishments, and degrading-the-audience kind of talks. Enough of those! Seriously.

Anyways, he talked about how God is an amazing trainer for each and every one of us. Drawing relevant stories from the prophets, he pointed out that God wants us to detach from our love for this world, our family, our money, our status - basically His creations. Instead we should always focus on our love and trust to Him.

For example, Moses was thrown into the river as a baby (the mother was tested of her trust in God) - just like how Abraham had to slaughter his dear son!; then as a grown man he was instructed to throw away his stick which became a snake! (God shows how wordly life is a temporary illusion); he hit his stick on the ground and the sea split apart (our effort has nothing to do with the outcome - it is God who gives us the outcome while we can only try our best!); just like how Hager ran between two hills to find water before the water sprinkles near baby Ismail.

It is God who gave that water, and not the running. It is God who gives us good grades to graduate, not the studying. It is God who gives us a promotion, not the hours we spend working. It is so easy to attribute our success to our own efforts or even to someone else (eg. our manager) but the true Giver is God - the One who loves being asked for things from. How ironic.

So really, this life is all about self-improvement, to become the best version of who we are.
Each day and moment God is watching, giving us a choice, a test, and the opportunity for us to practise, to be better.

Until the end of our time on Earth, the end of our opportunity to strive, the end of all struggles, when hopefully we have come a long way being our best self. That's when we return to Him, to our Creator, our "Trainer" who's been guiding us all along. And hopefully by that time He'd be pleased with us, with our efforts throughout our lives, to prove our love.

There then, the true happiness begins.

Overwhelming

Granma passed away over the weekend. I cried twice. Somehow I felt extra sensitive and would easily be touched by my own thoughts.

I had a busy weekend with a few gathering -back to back at times - where I met various groups of friends, mostly those who've experienced motherhood. We shared both happy and sad news from my side. I got home quite exhausted, in a heaty living room and the non-so-exciting 6pm local tv channels.

God...please keep me strong and wise in choosing the activities around me while preparing the little life You're assigning inside me...

The P-word?

So my monthly lady thingie hasn't come for the longest time - it must've been over two weeks now. We decided to do a few pregnancy tests on sticks at home. I've never used such things ever before and I got fascinated by the slowly appearing purple line, which indicated that I'm pregnant!

Really?

I mean, it would be the best, perfect news EVER! I'm turning into the big 30 this year. Everyone and literally EVERYONE has asked me about the p-word topic at some stage in our conversations!

But am I ready for it?

To be honest, I have not changed much or turned into a "typically" good wife who cooks, cleans and obeys. I'm still like myself from years ago. A drama queen who's a bit spoilt I would say. I still argue with my poor husband whenever opportunity arises. I still get awkward and clueless around kids, especially the little ones.

Could I really be pregnant?

God, do You think I'm ready for such responsibility?
I mean, I'd be more than honoured if You pick me. But there is a lot of doubts and questions around how I'd be as a mother. As a parent! Bringing up a whole new person in this world!

God... Please keep me strong; and guide me to whatever You want me to be...
I exist to worship You and to follow Your light...

nai&Friends

So!
I've decided to start something BIG.
I'm going to run a business or a brand, where I spread positivity and happiness through canvas paintings!

So far so good. I've got my facebook pahe out there. Last time I checked there were 92 likes!
I've ordered 50 business cards to start with.
I've set up a new email account for this.

So the brand is pretty much established.
Tick!

Next step would be to approach external parties. Art markets... possible spaces to showcase my art piece.... people to give my artwork as a gift to..... a youtube video on painting tips...
Ahhh I'm excited.

I love having a project like this. It helps me to feel like I am going forward.

Back to Square One

My career seems to bring me back to the place where I've spent 6 years as a tertiary student.

I decided to take a walk during this lunch break and now hesitated whether it was a bad decision. Every step I took was flooded with memories.

Ten....years...ago...

I was right here.
I was busy sorting out my notes for my Japanese classes. My fun, fun Japanese classes. I was upstairs submitting my assignments.
I was at the balcony attending some sort of students function. I was in that building logging into the computers to do my study groups. I was walking on this path, from one class to another; or killing time; or simply enjoying the smell of eucalyptus trees.
I was in that library trying to find sources for my Psych essays; or my Qur'anic study essays.
I was at that tram stop. Every single day. Going home, exhausted from all the walking.

And I am back. No longer studying. No longer crossing paths with my many uni friends...

They've all moved on. Since ten years ago...

GP Day Twenty One

The weekend free course by Authentic Education has opened my eyes to see that being grateful is not about acknowledging the things that have gone wrong while emphasizing unrelated other matters that are deemed positive.

Instead, it is about really looking at each incident that has gone wrong and really figure out the wisdom and lessons they have brought to your current life.

That is the true appreciation. True gratitude.

GP Day Twenty

It's my second last day at my current job.

FOR REAL.

I've been watching Raisa videos on Youtube - stemming from listening to Tulus' music, actually. Her songs are just average. But she is, indeed, nice to look at. Good make-up, perhaps; and I like her clothes too!

So I found some videos where they both perform a series of duets.
What a perfect life.
It made me want to go back into my youth and get involved in music and bands.
What a dream.

The clocks don't go backwards, so I could simply be grateful for what God's provided me with all my life to this moment.

I'm grateful to be married to a good man who is very patient with me being a drama queen.

I'm grateful to have somewhat good relationships with people from various departments at work.

I'm grateful to still be alive today and get the chance to do good deeds for His sake.

GP Day Nineteen

This is going to be my LAST WEEK at my current job!!!!!!!!

Can't describe how happy and relieved I feel after all the dramas today.

As you know, I've started losing my motivation towards mid-2014 as the departmental "reshape" was taking away tasks which I enjoyed doing.
Soon enough I found myself sitting in a new team, with a newly promoted manager, and with no team dynamics at all.

The dragging days began and continued until THIS WEEK!

In December I applied for a job; attended the interview; gone through the reference checks; and was not successful for the role. However, they mentioned an alternative position!

The time line looks like this:

24 Dec
- lady on voicemail told me I wasn't successful but there's another opening and if interested I should contact Pman. Emailed Pman; got missed calls; got a reply from Pman and responded to it with questions.

31 Dec
- Pman called and explained the role and wanted me to start on Jan 13th!! Though my job requires a 4 week notice!!!. Checked with Sl as my manager (JD) was on leave, negotiated with Pman, twice! Pman can hold my offer until Monday morning (5th Jan) when he wants answer!

5 Jan
- Grabbing any chance to talk to JD...and PT from HR. JD checked with his manager and told me the earliest I could leave is on Jan 16th. Called Pman who needs to check and get back.
- (noon) Got missed call from Pman; voicemail saying he was sorry nothing he could do to hold for another week. Felt devastated, angry and confused.
Grabbed PT and teared up; PT spoke to JD. JD told me they can let me go at the end of this week (9th Jan).

What!!??
After all that I've gone through; losing my very chance...!!?

Angry and worried. Got email from Pman saying he would take back the offer in the next 30 minutes. Replied instantly! Saying I can start next week!

Phew....job secured. Cought up with PT about resignation letter. Happy. Relieved.

Got email from Pman to confirm; and a call from Pman to offer part-time option. Yayyyy!!

The rest of the day was just non-focused.

God...I know You have the best plans for me. Thank You for letting me remember You in times of distress.

New Year

It is January. 2015.
It is also, a Friday.

Honestly, this time it wasn't a big deal for me - other than a good topic for small talks.
I didn't even think of a list of resolutions this time.
My head has been filled with too many agendas: moving into a new, contract role soon; planning a New Zealand winter trip; working on my "God" book; while balancing my social time with the Indo community, choir mates, and the miscelleanious.

And!...trying to get pregnant.
YES.

The will power is finally here! I'll hit 30 this year and that's originally my target age to become a mother, at the latest. I've reached the latest now so I need to put MORE focus on this project.

I've got too many projects already going on. I don't need another kind of resolution for the new year.

God...thank You so much for having taken a good care of me and my family in the last....forever. Please keep me STRONG in my faith in You...and in my will power.
Please keep my mind and heart clear to see the important goals in my life.