Overwhelming

Granma passed away over the weekend. I cried twice. Somehow I felt extra sensitive and would easily be touched by my own thoughts.

I had a busy weekend with a few gathering -back to back at times - where I met various groups of friends, mostly those who've experienced motherhood. We shared both happy and sad news from my side. I got home quite exhausted, in a heaty living room and the non-so-exciting 6pm local tv channels.

God...please keep me strong and wise in choosing the activities around me while preparing the little life You're assigning inside me...

The P-word?

So my monthly lady thingie hasn't come for the longest time - it must've been over two weeks now. We decided to do a few pregnancy tests on sticks at home. I've never used such things ever before and I got fascinated by the slowly appearing purple line, which indicated that I'm pregnant!

Really?

I mean, it would be the best, perfect news EVER! I'm turning into the big 30 this year. Everyone and literally EVERYONE has asked me about the p-word topic at some stage in our conversations!

But am I ready for it?

To be honest, I have not changed much or turned into a "typically" good wife who cooks, cleans and obeys. I'm still like myself from years ago. A drama queen who's a bit spoilt I would say. I still argue with my poor husband whenever opportunity arises. I still get awkward and clueless around kids, especially the little ones.

Could I really be pregnant?

God, do You think I'm ready for such responsibility?
I mean, I'd be more than honoured if You pick me. But there is a lot of doubts and questions around how I'd be as a mother. As a parent! Bringing up a whole new person in this world!

God... Please keep me strong; and guide me to whatever You want me to be...
I exist to worship You and to follow Your light...

nai&Friends

So!
I've decided to start something BIG.
I'm going to run a business or a brand, where I spread positivity and happiness through canvas paintings!

So far so good. I've got my facebook pahe out there. Last time I checked there were 92 likes!
I've ordered 50 business cards to start with.
I've set up a new email account for this.

So the brand is pretty much established.
Tick!

Next step would be to approach external parties. Art markets... possible spaces to showcase my art piece.... people to give my artwork as a gift to..... a youtube video on painting tips...
Ahhh I'm excited.

I love having a project like this. It helps me to feel like I am going forward.

New Year

It is January. 2015.
It is also, a Friday.

Honestly, this time it wasn't a big deal for me - other than a good topic for small talks.
I didn't even think of a list of resolutions this time.
My head has been filled with too many agendas: moving into a new, contract role soon; planning a New Zealand winter trip; working on my "God" book; while balancing my social time with the Indo community, choir mates, and the miscelleanious.

And!...trying to get pregnant.
YES.

The will power is finally here! I'll hit 30 this year and that's originally my target age to become a mother, at the latest. I've reached the latest now so I need to put MORE focus on this project.

I've got too many projects already going on. I don't need another kind of resolution for the new year.

God...thank You so much for having taken a good care of me and my family in the last....forever. Please keep me STRONG in my faith in You...and in my will power.
Please keep my mind and heart clear to see the important goals in my life.

America

I cried today.
I actually produced tears.

At work.
Interpersonal issue.

Silly cause.
Yet I couldn't help it.

The morning was dragging, reeeally slowly. By 4pm I'd done enough emails and started to revisit this blog written by an international student's adventures in the USA.

Despite the countless negative opinions on the US, it has a special place in my heart. I'm guessing that's because I grew up with American TV shows and entertainments. Then I went on a student-exchange program to California and loved it there. Then of course, I decided to come back for a visit, 4 years later with my sister, and had a great time there.

There's something about the people.

If I had to choose between a trip around the US or around Europe, I'd probably go for the US - even though I've never ever been to Europe and I've seen how amazingly beautiful some of the countries are.

It must be the people.

I learnt and experienced European cultures through European films (I know). There are a lot of dislikes that come to surface as I watch how people behave, what they say, and their physical gestures.

My conclusion is that if I ever visit Europe it'd be mostly sightseeing and being as far as a foreign tourist.

But if I moved to the US....
God knows what might happen.
At this stage, only God knows.

In reality: I'm not that brave to make a move THAT big.

Random thought: movie

Sometimes I feel that I see my life as a movie.

I set out scenarios in my head of what I'm going to say... what the other person will say... and how I'm going to respond to that.

People ask why I like watching horror movies.

Tonight I realised I continuously assess the film-making techniques as I watch them. I appreciate the little camera tricks here and there which create a huge impact on what we experience as the audience.

That's what's kept me away from being haunted by the horror component of the movie.

Is it because I've watched movies too often throughout my life?

Maybe.

These Days

Seems like it's been 3 weeks that my husband hasn't been working. He was let go on a Friday, during Ramadhan, to all my shock. Since then he's been looking, applying and attending interviews for his next job.

Meantime in my office things are business as normal. My days still feel long and flat. I come to work, spread my hellos and few smiles, sit on my chair and get ready to do my work. Then the day just goes pass, slowly, until it is 5:00pm. I log off the phone and computer, spread my byes and walk out.

Flat and dry.

My weekend was quite awesome, though - which sort of helps. I decided to invite my friends over for lunch, singing and general catch-up. It was meant to celebrate my birthday. I was glad the majority of invitees turned up. I was glad they all loved the food. I was glad they all got along, even though they may not know one another that well.

Thank God everything went smoothly on that day.

I felt the need to maintain the relationship with my friends. Who are my friends?

That would be simply people I'm comfortable to be around with. There are plenty of people I wish to befriend. Smart, popular, successful, good-looking people in my world. After all, they say you will be just like your friends hence choose your friends carefully.

But I'm now tired of trying to be included. Tired of pretending I belong. Tired of those polite small talks. I just want to be able to be myself, express my thoughts, laugh, and where possible, do a creative project together. That'd be my perfect friendship.

I have to believe in God to lead me to the "right" persons. Those who help me learn and grow but are comfortable enough with my personality.

Ramadhan is Ending

Tonight will be the last night of this year's Ramadhan, yet I feel like I haven't achieved much. My weeks have been busy with the daily work. We still tend to go back to bed after our morning meal. These past few days I have even been arriving late to work! I still get snappy at my husband from time to time. That's probably an effect from a bad day at work. And what I mean "bad" is not usually related to any bad incidents - but merely nothing exciting happens and the day is felt utterly dull. That is, bad.

I still try to keep up with my tarawih prayers in the evening but we mostly do it at home. I occupy my mind with the conflicts in Gaza and have been having discussions with some of my Jewish friends. These just go in circle as we all rely on media sources which would always portray one side as the victim while the other is a villain.

I'm giving up on this issue. There is not much I can do to change the world but at least I've got more insights into the different perspectives on both sides.

Okay I need to go and pray Zuhur now..

Current Issues

Just as I was writing the previous blog post, apparently there was good news coming my way. A few hours later I was informed that there would be a salary increase starting in the next pay cycle!

Maybe God prefers me to stay in this company.

Career issue put aside.
Social media is massively packed with these issues now:
1. Israel bombed Gaza
2. Indonesian election results
3. Brazil World Cup (though I don't follow much)

Whilst in my world, here are the top issue:
1. Becoming apprehensive with routines
2. Stomach cramp & eczma
3. Planning house chores
....
....
...Gaza issue.

I got my "monthly" this morning and so that eliminates the need for me to attend the Tarawih prayer tonight.
Ideally I would use my time to do the laundry, vacum the rooms, fold our clothes and even cook lots and lots of veggies to stock up!!

But another part of me is feeling the cramp, the boredom and physical fatigue. This part of me just wants to indulge in sweets, msg-related snacks, and bed!

God please help me stay strong.
Remind me that I'm stronger than that - cause You're the Strongest of all.

At the Hospital

So there I was, in the Sacred Space of one of the largest hospitals in town. I just performed my midday prayer after meeting my skin specialist about my eczma which hadn't stopped since last winter!
I just signed up for the regular UV light therapy for the next few weeks. This means I have to come out to the city super early 3 x per week to undergo certain minutes of therapy before going to work.

I took a sick leave today and came out with a list of things to buy. Once I hit Big W my list was doubled and I bought a lot of new things to replace my old things in the kitchen and bathroom.

I'd also gone to the pharmacy to get my prescribed medication. Now I've got 3 huge plastic bags full of stuff which I carried around until I entered this room.

This hospital indeed provides a small yet very nice spot where we can pray. I love how the holy Books of different religions are displayed along the corridor.

I like the idea of having a "sacred space" for any faith community to use and reflect on life. Though I'm sure that most times the space is only used by the many praying Muslims, I decided to take a pause for a minute and write down my thoughts.

After this I need to head home, taking a quick stop at the supermarket to get some mushrooms. I really wanted to make creamy soup with broccolis and mushrooms! And then continuing on my To-Do list. There were too many items I spotted to be cleaned or fixed that I got so easily distracted at home that my To-Do list never seemed to end.

Alright. Enough pausing for now, and I shall make a move.

Insignificance

Right now I feel as if the factors that made me enjoy my job have been taken away. Now that my manager has settled in her role and got familiar to things, she'd be the one saving the day (read:solving issues with client). Now that they're looking at resourcing closely, I don't even need to organise my day - it has all been planned and allocated.

So like today, I used half a brain to deal with the ever lasting questions from students. I got a lot done. But nothing quite exciting..

I also got to interview one of the managers for our presentation this Friday - this Friday! She talked about different scenarios of clients relationships which I can't discuss here as it is confidential. That made me realise there are so much I don't know - or not made aware of - about what's going on with our business.

That made me feel a bit insignificant.

The worse part is when I realised that this is what we are hired to do. And not the "saving the world" version.

Now the thought comes back: maybe I need to start looking elsewhere?

Rule the World

I've been analysing myself and convinced that I generally don't possess a very high level of spirit for life. I never knew what I want to in life; or what my goals are in the next few years; or what legacy I want to leave the world with.

I also noticed how I tend to be attracted to new things, new activities, yet I easily got bored and lost my appetite to keep it up.

So now I'm questioning what's going on as I recently just feel the energy to start some big projects and I just feel somehow like a different person - one who looks forward, energised with full of ideas and willingness to take action!

So let's look at these projects I have in mind at this stage:

1. Conducting a choir!

It started after I attended The Decibelles where I got a song idea for the choir: "Happy". Weeks seemed to be dragging, until I finally got my group of soloists trained. And I thought, maybe I can actually conduct a whole choir as a side job! I have now planned to check out a few different choirs to learn a thing or two from the different conductors.

2. Company presentation!

Few weeks ago I signed up for a training session conducted by our CEO on presentation skills. I thought it was alright. Yet I surprised myself! The CEO was looking for a person to present at the next Company Briefing - that is, to an audience of maybe 200 people! - and I put my hand up!!
I could hardly believe what I did but at the same time was glad I decided to face my fear of presenting in public. So I had a catch up with the CEO who gave me a great idea to work on: I will present stories of our various client universities and their relationship with our business. I've indeed been interested to know this myself!

3. Aerobics Instructor

Also few weeks ago, I got a 3-day gym trial pass at work and used it up at the gym accross the road. I loved the Body Attack session followed by Body Balance. The second time I went to Body Attack I had lost half of my motivation and I was convinced that gym membership is not for me. Though I do like working my heart beat out. So I thought why not have my own class with my own moves - surely many of my girlfriends need to exercise! So I started my first session at HY's, just the two of us :)

4. Catering business

No I still don't cook. But my husband does! He's been into this Japanese/Korean cooking and loves to cook the same thing over and over again for other people. So I started soft promoting lunchboxes to my friends at work. He's got two customers for tomorrow! and now I'm thinking of investing in cute little containers, branding, fb page etc!

Seriously. What's got into me lately.

I wonder if some people feel energised full of ideas and wants and goals throughout their whole life!

God...thank You for Your blessing...for my body, thoughts and emotions to synchronise...for the world around me to flow in the same direction as my wants...for this sense of ability and possibility...the sense of optimism and positivity... I thank You for giving me the chance to experience this state...a state I'm not familiar with...I'm asking for Your guidance...make me useful to the world...help me become what You want me to be...

Alhamdulillaahirabbil aalamiin.

Meals

I just read a friend's blog series. She would just write about anything and ANYTHING at all!

So this time she talked about ANYTHING while she's cooking. Simple packet ingredients, but I'm still amazed by how easy she made cooking looks.

What about me?
Well I just finished the choir rehearsal (and the four of us sang together for the first time! still bit messy though). I'm on the train, on my way home.

It's already dark. 7.58pm.
Oh well. it's eight!

I have to get home and do the sunset prayer, then take a salt bath for my eczma. I predict I'd be done and ready for my night prayer by 9 or 9.30. Then I'd have to read two pages of Qur'an to maintain my pace.

It will be 10.00pm before I know it!

Who cooks at 10pm?

so what do I get for dinner?

I stopped by Red Rooster for a tiny cup of peas and a pinaple fritter.

That's my life.

The Ups and Downs in Life

I realised, there are limitless possible topics you can write about. Even when you've decided to use a blog to track your life progress. There could be love life progress, health progress, Quran memorisation progress, career progress, personal development progress and many more!

A while ago certain things I do bothered me so much that I was determined to keep writing to record my process of overcoming them. Soon enough my days seemed better and I became more carefree that I hardly remembered my problems.

It's amazing how God changes your heart and emotions as easy as that.

Last Tuesday I truly felt happiness. I left the office knowing I'd done all the tasks I aimed to get done. Then on my way, walking to the choir rehearsal. I looked forward to singing itself; any songs they'd throw at me - I didn't mind.

I had no worries. Nothing bothered me.

There was only content and a bit of excitement.

I also realised at that time how rare I felt that kind of feeling. I then quickly thanked God for giving me that. I asked God to help maintain this state of joy. I felt empowered. Even when I got home I'm pretty sure I was able to stay as a nice person. We had a nice evening together.

Yesterday the happy feelings weren't there. I was a bit tense. The thought of "nobody wants to speak to me" stopped by for a while, I remember. How silly. There was also the "I don't contribute enough" thought passing by. I couldn't help it I must have carried all those thoughts with me in the evening.

During my pilates trial class my mind kept asking why am I here?

So of course, the eczma went crazy by bedtime and I was back into my horrible self again.

Skipped a Week

Oh wow I haven't been writing for a while now. Seems like time's running faster that I don't get a chance to be bored while on the train - hence the blog.

Let's see... Yesterday after work I went to that HipHop class with Wannita. It was goooood. Sweat a bit and got a nice pat from the instructor. Woohoo!
The night before I stayed back after choir rehearsal to work on that Happy song with my conductor.

I don't think I did anything unusual on Monday..except I was looking forward to choir the next day...

That's it!

I might have lost time as I was busy getting excited to work on the song!

So last night - again - I was browsing on Youtube to find a good version of a song cover. I managed to find an accappela version, a duet version and a choir version that I liked.

The conductor hasn't responded to my two emails that showed these videos.

I must admit. He's a typical conservative Brit even though he's somewhat applying his creativity to a certain level when he creates harmony parts for our choir.

None of my ideas were taken. Yes, he did spend a few seconds listening to them but in the end he would stick to his own idea - which was simply following the original version of the song. Obviously he prefers to be in the safety zone.

I wanted more!

I had all these visions of our choir putting out an awesome performance of this song. In our awesome new version!

But it doesn't seem to be happening. Anyhow he's asked me to practice the solo part (long and repetitive!) for next week's rehearsal. I'm still excited to have the choir sing this song. I'm going to be naughty and announce that I'm looking for a solo partner.

He was never keen to open the Soloist door to everyone. I disagree with this. Having a solo role has really kept me coming to rehearsals. I'm sure others can benefit from having the same opportunity too!

With our unique voices and singing style, we can create a colorful, powerful song!

Wednesday

Sometimes I do enjoy being in the UAC Change of Preference team. I don't have to do my never-ending email queries as lovely Amy is helping me a lot these days - ahh our good old training sessions.
I get to work on whatever my client requests of me - some adhoc tasks - which have kept me busy and "awake".

These days I don't really have a proper manager who's available right there and then. My previous manager has gone to our offshore office while my new manager won't arrive until the week after next. So this has been interesting. I get to do whatever I want. By that, I mean I get to make all the decisions to do with my account!! Yes.

KPI-wise? It may seem like I do nothing all day. But I'm busy as ever. These requests come simultaneously and require multiple follow-ups. I like it though.

Ok. Hubby has jumped back into the car. Must stop writing or else I get car sick.

On my mobile

Yayyyyy I think Ive worked out my mobile blogging system - thank God!

Yayy.

Right. So let's see if we can post up photos too...
I'm currently at a cafe to have breakfast before going to work. Yep. First day back after a long weekend. It was hard to get up - like any other days really.

This morning I tried to cook chicken pieces in a pot unattended. The heat was too high and a good portion of it was burnt :(

I should remember to put it low next time!!