GP Day Thirty - Hajj Reflection

In the midst of caring for my two-month-old baby I found myself staring at my prayer mat which had an image of the Masjid il Haram of Mecca. My mind started to replay the fascinating journey my husband and I took on two years ago, performing our Hajj (pilgrimage).

Why is it that each of us is required to perform Hajj at least once in our life time...?

As I pondered, I remembered the many life-changing experiences told by others who'd done it.

How about me... What was it that I was supposed to take with me when I returned from Hajj...

Was it the excitement of entering the worlds' most magnificent Masjids?
Was it the interesting observation of the local customs?
Or was it the lovely friendships built within the group?

My mind quickly revisited the main activities involved in the Hajj itself.

Arafah!
Being within an area called Arafah, at certain time, is so paramount that without it the Hajj wouldn't be valid.

Now I remember....!

Something very intense and unexpected happened to me there. As I was about to read my long list of wishes to ask from God, I was hit by a sudden, huge realisation of God's blessings and generosity throughout my whole life - until this moment when I stood at that very spot, in Arafah.
It was so overwhelming that tears were pouring out.

I remembered standing there with a small damp towel in my hand.

Now that the year of my Hajj had passed, I'd gone back to my ungrateful self. Despite being blessed with a baby, I'd been frustrated and busy asking God to make things easier for me.

I simply forgot about my special moment in Arafah.

God, all praise to You. Lord of the Worlds.

GP Day Twenty nine - Newborn

It happened. It really happened!
My baby was born on October 10th.
That little life who kicked and stretched inside my belly finally came out.

A tiny baby boy.

Life was getting even busier once he was out. As I'm typing this on my phone, he is lying on my shoulder trying to burp after a feed.

I practically work my primary needs around his feeding sessions - I mean my sleeping, eating, showering, toilet breaks and Whatsapp-ing.
That's basically all I manage to do during my post-natal days and weeks. Occasionally I would taje him out to our important health-related appointments.

Feeding has been a series of tests for both of us. First of all, he was born a tiny baby who was a bit yellow - though normal and healthy, thank God. So hence he needed lots of breastmilk to grow out of it.
On my first night back from the hospital I was already crying from pain. Cracked, red nipples. Not fun.
I ended up using the nipple shields for the whole week.

But then we found out he wasn't getting enough food as the shield made him work extra hard to get the milk out. So, back with the sore nipples, I went to the lactation workahop and re-learnt about proper latching. Feeding him wasn't too horrific anymore.

But then I started to get lumps of milk and swollen breasts. It was painful to even lift up my arm. The only way to fix it is through feeding, but the blockage wasn't helping. Tried everything from massages, pumps, heat pack, cold pack, cabbage leaves, to supplement pills. It went on for a few days and got better slowly.

But then my baby lost so much weight as he wasn't able to access the blocked milk as much. He was light, weak, and more motivated to sleep away than to cry for food. We had to top him up with formula milk and thank God his weight is now back on track.

As I'm reading through what I've written so far, it all sounded alright. Trust me, throughout the process I was really miserable. The physical pain, the cries of hunger, the exhaustion, the frustration, everything added onto my stress level. I was snappy at my husband and mum who tried their best to help and comfort me. That also made me feel worse.

And guess what. When you are stressed,your milk supply goes down.

I kept asking myself why God made such system; where a baby can't have anything but breastmilk; where milk supply goes up with the sucking; where latching can br painful in many ways; where stress makes things worse.

It was as if all those trials were meant to train me up to be more patient and to remain positive no matter what challenge faced me. 

Maybe that's it!

GP Twenty Eight - 2 more weeks!

I used to plan in my head, that when I fall pregnant I'd have this routine, detailed online diary which I could look back on and reflect...

Who would've thought - time flies even faster when you're pregnant. This is because you have all these new medical appointments to attend - on top of your regular activities like work, house chores and social events!

In fact, during my pregnancy journey I was busy with a few creative projects like selling my paintings in the markets and creating a music video with a bunch of friends.

I thank God for giving me the ability to do these things. I thank God for protecting the life inside my belly, keeping it strong and healthy while I focus on other things.

Before I know it, I'm already in the middle of my 38th week of pregnancy. Baby is physically ready to come out anytime now. The estimated due date is coming in about two weeks. The fear of labour pain is slowly replaced by the excitement of experiencing a miracle, of applying new relaxation techniques, and of meeting this new little person!

GP Day Twenty-six - entering 3rd Trimest

It's Thursday morning of a non-working day. The house is arguably clean. I just need to pick up my family from a nearby train station soon.

I'm in bed - not doing anything. TV is on - not really being watched.

What am I going to do once a stop working in a few weeks' time?

But anyways, I have been wanting to write about my gratitude for a relatively easy pregnancy.

Looking at my pre-pregnant self, I didn't have the best digestion system and the best exercise routines, nor ability to perform a regular healthy cooking. My happiness level goes up and down.

But somehow I made it through the last 6 months with very little pregnancy issues - mostly just feeling bloated and uncomfortable in the tummy.

I've been able to eat anything that's there for me to eat.
My shoe size hasn't changed.
My back feels alright.
I don't see any stretch marks as yet.
I've been able to commute on public transport and perform the 9-5 work four days every week.
I've been able to walk all the way to and from my hospital appointments.
I've been actively working on the singing/video project with my choir friends.
I had a good gentle dance with my 27-week belly at a friend's birthday drinks.
I've been able to complete my 30-day plus 6-day fasting accummulated from last year!

This baby is a real bless. He or she would go along with whatever it is that I need to do without showing any signs of physical complaints.

Despite my major sweets cravings, my glucose blood test revealed a normal sugar and vitamin D level.

It surprised me when my midwife seemed satisfied with both my and baby's conditions.

I know this is all the work of God's. He has been protecting us and taking good care of both of us. I know I wouldn't be able to do this on my own. I struggle to keep up with healthy eating. I struggle to talk regularly to my belly. I struggle to keep up with exercise.

I still struggle with getting up in the morning!

If you look at me, there's probably not much change in how I live my life since I got pregnant. Yet my belly keeps growing and somehow there's Someone looking after the new little life inside it.

I am truly grateful.

GP Day Twenty Five - does he like me?

"Hey you both work at the same uni; might as well ask him to have lunch together or something.."

"Well...I don't know if he even wants to."

"But he likes you, right? I mean you guys spent the night together and all that."

"I don't know. Maybe he just wanted the sex.."

"Aww. Why did you agree to that?"

"Cause I liked him.."

***

This Western version of relationship building is really doing my head in.
How could you meet someone for the first time, talk for hours and slept over at his place...BUT didn't even ask for each other's numbers NOR find out how you feel for each other?

She's now left in limbo. If she initiates their facebook conversation, she'd come out as desperate. If she waits until he initiates anything, she'd be stuck in the guess work.

It's tricky. It's weird. It's awkward.

And I'm truly grateful that I haven't found myself in such situation. Ever.

In my world, you meet someone, you get his number, you hang out - maybe for years! - then you get married, THEN you sleep together.

I am grateful to be blessed with a good man as my husband. He may not be creative or funny or popular or have this 100% mind connection with me... but he is patient, hardworking, always willing to help, to care, even to put my needs over his. Above all, he has faith in God.

I pray that people will come to their senses when it comes to relationships. I pray that men would respect the girls - and maybe more importantly, that the girls respect their own worth and dignity. Amen.

GP Day Twenty-Four - Pretty

I've passed half way through my pregnancy and my weeks have been choca blocked filled with social activities, mainly catching up with ex-coworkers, ladies group, choir friends, birthdays etc. As a result, I've taken and shared loads of memorable photos via whatsapp and facebook.

People have been checking my photos out and commenting positively. To my surprise, Dad actually shared some of my photos with our relatives, saying that I've become prettier with this pregnancy. I was flattered yet couldn't think of a response so I stayed quiet.

Now thinking to myself: has all these physical praises become some sort of an addiction?

I don't want to say yes to that. I really appreciate people's positive comments about me and my pictures. I guess I'm trying to stirr this worry into a gratitude feeling.

I am grateful to be given my "glow" - which could be a result of the health and happiness level combined.
For that, I am grateful that God spares me the energy despite the busy activities around my days.

I am hoping to be more able to worship Him and invest my time and energy to get closer to Him.

God help us...

Giving up

Today, afterwork, the feeling came again.

I'm tired of trying. Tired of living.

On some level my work has come down to a comfortable zone - where I no longer get excited to handle academic transcripts or other student service activities.

Today a student carrying the name of the nobel Prophet pbuh came along with his obviously-out-there girlfriend. He acted like a king and talked to me as if I were his slave. No mercy. Frontal impatience. Naughty laughters with his girlfriend.

Pinched my heart. He tored a really bad mark on this religion I hold high. On the Prophet I'm trying to love more. On my faith identity!

I could feel the heat coming up my head and face. I said polite, professional phrases as usual though inside I screamed he didn't deserve any of it.

I chanted praises to God softly as I gave him some assistance just to calm myself down.
To prevent any burning sharp comments coming out of my mouth.

After my sunset prayer I sat there, reflecting on my day... reflecting on the past years and on my life. I was imagining my future. This pregnancy. The motherhood. The challenges for me to overcome.

I'm weak without God. I can achieve nothing without His help...His guidance and protection.
And I'm tired of trying.
I want to return to Him. And rest.

God please help me.