GP Day Thirty Four - Holy Month

I decided to set my aim this Ramadan as putting God back into a priority in my life.
I wanted to be more aware of the blessinga and His signs around me. I want to stress less about other people and their business.
So I successfully uninstall Facebook - my major distractor. It was the big time thief that kept me from doing the things I wanted to do. It kept me comfortable spending hours in bed behind the superficial excuse of putting my baby to sleep. Plus, it stirred constant self comparison, self image review, and cravings of worldly items.

I've managed to sneak in one or two pages of Qur'an recitation on most days.
I stopped making plans with people - or trying hard to find people to hang out with. Instead I let God bring the right people to me. I let Him take me to people whom He's blessed. It seemed to work better this way.

I made attempts in joining whatever religious talks as much as I can - now that my free time is restricted to my baby's routines. God has made it easy for me in the last few times bringing my baby into the Masjid, to stay there for a while, joining the long evening prayers. There's been a lot of joy, warmth, and helping hands.

I also wanted to invest more into our household. My husband has been diligently bringing home take-away meals during the fasting month. We both know I don't cook - even when I do occasionally, our tastebuds don't agree with each other. Despite that, I still am hoping to somehow become comfortable with cooking: with the meal planning, groceries, food preparation, cooking, and eventually cleaning-up afterwards. Now that my baby eats solid, I start to constantly think of what to serve him at each mealtime.

Plus, there are way too many clutters in this house! I've been dreaming to turn each corner of this house into a lovely sight ever since I resigned from work - that is, before my baby was born! But like I said, it's mainly been as far as a dream.

Today I've managed to clear away the junks out of our living room. It was the simplest, easiest room to begin with, but there was just too much junk!
Not sure which area I should work on next. Too many choices.

But little by little, I want to turn myself into one of those people who take great care of their surroundings.

God help me...

GP Day Thirty three: Re-focusing

I've been living my days as a full-time mum who plans certain outgoing activities on most days and managing her baby's needs to suit her plan. It stresses me out when my baby is not co-operating or not doing whatever it is I need him to do - whether it is eating, sleeping, keeping himself entertained, or simply staying inside his pram without complaint. That said, most of the things he does stresses me out!

On top of this, I would have times when I realised the tons of things I meant to do around the house but never got done.

I've been busy planning, day by day, to explore the world; to socialise and find friendships; shaping my new world as a stay-home mum. And I've often overlooked the simple things I need to keep up.

I overlook the little achievements that deserve to be noticed, by me.

So now it's TIME TO REFOCUS on the little things that matter.

- Fresh food I'm eating (hey, I made salmon soup today - awesome!)

- Baby gets his sleep (hey, he is still asleep INSIDE his cot - amazing!)

- Daily exercise (want to start taking him on a pram trip in the morning, to get him used to the pram!)

Ok. That's a great start to a new page.

A series of pages filled with the noticed small, consistent achievements.
I know that great things can be accomplished if the little things are done consistently.

Now the challenge is... to remember this.

GP Day Thirty One - Generation Excellence

I've just had an interesting discussion with a friend, about topical issues within the Muslim community in general.

Sure, we believe our religion has been perfected. Sure, we have made the right choice to believe it. Sure, we believe the Truth will eventually be revealed for everyone to see... in the end.

But what about now? Look around and you'll find that this very community is left behind in many ways. Sure, we can always bring up the Golden Age where Muslims used to thrive and so on. But what's the point when we are now powerless? When we are just being ruled around, victimised, uneducated, poor, corrupted, and the list goes on?

When we can only blame the non-Muslims for making decisions to suit their desires?
When we can only complain but have no power to change how things are?

What's the point of knowing the Truth without implementing it in our lives?

There are far too many sermons talking about how perfect this religion is, and how others just go astray.
There are enough talks about perfecting our worship, guarding ourselves against evil etc.

There isn't enough reminder out there on how we are the people chosen by God to make a difference in this world. We are meant to take a good care of this world. We are designed to make an impact on others - not just to receive impacts made by others, all the time.

Another friend recently shared her concerns that today's children look up to Hollywood stars and super heroes instead of our great Prophet and his great companions - peace be upon them all.
Maybe it is time for the people of this community to stand up, get known, and become the characters people would look-up to. Maybe there are just too few great Muslims out there, or that they're being quiet that they're easily overcast by other hot news.

My friend's story from my previous post is a simple example. Out of nothing, she started working on her food blog which now allows her to make a greater impact. This is because her page is now known by hundreds of followers who will receive her messages in an instance. The message she puts out there may affect one's decision on what / where to eat. In other words, she can use her profession to make a difference in other people's lives.

I am really looking out for people who realise this and are fired-up to do something about it.
To create a generation of excellence.

GP Day Thirty - Hajj Reflection

In the midst of caring for my two-month-old baby I found myself staring at my prayer mat which had an image of the Masjid il Haram of Mecca. My mind started to replay the fascinating journey my husband and I took on two years ago, performing our Hajj (pilgrimage).

Why is it that each of us is required to perform Hajj at least once in our life time...?

As I pondered, I remembered the many life-changing experiences told by others who'd done it.

How about me... What was it that I was supposed to take with me when I returned from Hajj...

Was it the excitement of entering the worlds' most magnificent Masjids?
Was it the interesting observation of the local customs?
Or was it the lovely friendships built within the group?

My mind quickly revisited the main activities involved in the Hajj itself.

Arafah!
Being within an area called Arafah, at certain time, is so paramount that without it the Hajj wouldn't be valid.

Now I remember....!

Something very intense and unexpected happened to me there. As I was about to read my long list of wishes to ask from God, I was hit by a sudden, huge realisation of God's blessings and generosity throughout my whole life - until this moment when I stood at that very spot, in Arafah.
It was so overwhelming that tears were pouring out.

I remembered standing there with a small damp towel in my hand.

Now that the year of my Hajj had passed, I'd gone back to my ungrateful self. Despite being blessed with a baby, I'd been frustrated and busy asking God to make things easier for me.

I simply forgot about my special moment in Arafah.

God, all praise to You. Lord of the Worlds.

GP Day Twenty nine - Newborn

It happened. It really happened!
My baby was born on October 10th.
That little life who kicked and stretched inside my belly finally came out.

A tiny baby boy.

Life was getting even busier once he was out. As I'm typing this on my phone, he is lying on my shoulder trying to burp after a feed.

I practically work my primary needs around his feeding sessions - I mean my sleeping, eating, showering, toilet breaks and Whatsapp-ing.
That's basically all I manage to do during my post-natal days and weeks. Occasionally I would taje him out to our important health-related appointments.

Feeding has been a series of tests for both of us. First of all, he was born a tiny baby who was a bit yellow - though normal and healthy, thank God. So hence he needed lots of breastmilk to grow out of it.
On my first night back from the hospital I was already crying from pain. Cracked, red nipples. Not fun.
I ended up using the nipple shields for the whole week.

But then we found out he wasn't getting enough food as the shield made him work extra hard to get the milk out. So, back with the sore nipples, I went to the lactation workahop and re-learnt about proper latching. Feeding him wasn't too horrific anymore.

But then I started to get lumps of milk and swollen breasts. It was painful to even lift up my arm. The only way to fix it is through feeding, but the blockage wasn't helping. Tried everything from massages, pumps, heat pack, cold pack, cabbage leaves, to supplement pills. It went on for a few days and got better slowly.

But then my baby lost so much weight as he wasn't able to access the blocked milk as much. He was light, weak, and more motivated to sleep away than to cry for food. We had to top him up with formula milk and thank God his weight is now back on track.

As I'm reading through what I've written so far, it all sounded alright. Trust me, throughout the process I was really miserable. The physical pain, the cries of hunger, the exhaustion, the frustration, everything added onto my stress level. I was snappy at my husband and mum who tried their best to help and comfort me. That also made me feel worse.

And guess what. When you are stressed,your milk supply goes down.

I kept asking myself why God made such system; where a baby can't have anything but breastmilk; where milk supply goes up with the sucking; where latching can br painful in many ways; where stress makes things worse.

It was as if all those trials were meant to train me up to be more patient and to remain positive no matter what challenge faced me. 

Maybe that's it!

GP Twenty Eight - 2 more weeks!

I used to plan in my head, that when I fall pregnant I'd have this routine, detailed online diary which I could look back on and reflect...

Who would've thought - time flies even faster when you're pregnant. This is because you have all these new medical appointments to attend - on top of your regular activities like work, house chores and social events!

In fact, during my pregnancy journey I was busy with a few creative projects like selling my paintings in the markets and creating a music video with a bunch of friends.

I thank God for giving me the ability to do these things. I thank God for protecting the life inside my belly, keeping it strong and healthy while I focus on other things.

Before I know it, I'm already in the middle of my 38th week of pregnancy. Baby is physically ready to come out anytime now. The estimated due date is coming in about two weeks. The fear of labour pain is slowly replaced by the excitement of experiencing a miracle, of applying new relaxation techniques, and of meeting this new little person!

GP Day Twenty-six - entering 3rd Trimest

It's Thursday morning of a non-working day. The house is arguably clean. I just need to pick up my family from a nearby train station soon.

I'm in bed - not doing anything. TV is on - not really being watched.

What am I going to do once a stop working in a few weeks' time?

But anyways, I have been wanting to write about my gratitude for a relatively easy pregnancy.

Looking at my pre-pregnant self, I didn't have the best digestion system and the best exercise routines, nor ability to perform a regular healthy cooking. My happiness level goes up and down.

But somehow I made it through the last 6 months with very little pregnancy issues - mostly just feeling bloated and uncomfortable in the tummy.

I've been able to eat anything that's there for me to eat.
My shoe size hasn't changed.
My back feels alright.
I don't see any stretch marks as yet.
I've been able to commute on public transport and perform the 9-5 work four days every week.
I've been able to walk all the way to and from my hospital appointments.
I've been actively working on the singing/video project with my choir friends.
I had a good gentle dance with my 27-week belly at a friend's birthday drinks.
I've been able to complete my 30-day plus 6-day fasting accummulated from last year!

This baby is a real bless. He or she would go along with whatever it is that I need to do without showing any signs of physical complaints.

Despite my major sweets cravings, my glucose blood test revealed a normal sugar and vitamin D level.

It surprised me when my midwife seemed satisfied with both my and baby's conditions.

I know this is all the work of God's. He has been protecting us and taking good care of both of us. I know I wouldn't be able to do this on my own. I struggle to keep up with healthy eating. I struggle to talk regularly to my belly. I struggle to keep up with exercise.

I still struggle with getting up in the morning!

If you look at me, there's probably not much change in how I live my life since I got pregnant. Yet my belly keeps growing and somehow there's Someone looking after the new little life inside it.

I am truly grateful.

GP Day Twenty Five - does he like me?

"Hey you both work at the same uni; might as well ask him to have lunch together or something.."

"Well...I don't know if he even wants to."

"But he likes you, right? I mean you guys spent the night together and all that."

"I don't know. Maybe he just wanted the sex.."

"Aww. Why did you agree to that?"

"Cause I liked him.."

***

This Western version of relationship building is really doing my head in.
How could you meet someone for the first time, talk for hours and slept over at his place...BUT didn't even ask for each other's numbers NOR find out how you feel for each other?

She's now left in limbo. If she initiates their facebook conversation, she'd come out as desperate. If she waits until he initiates anything, she'd be stuck in the guess work.

It's tricky. It's weird. It's awkward.

And I'm truly grateful that I haven't found myself in such situation. Ever.

In my world, you meet someone, you get his number, you hang out - maybe for years! - then you get married, THEN you sleep together.

I am grateful to be blessed with a good man as my husband. He may not be creative or funny or popular or have this 100% mind connection with me... but he is patient, hardworking, always willing to help, to care, even to put my needs over his. Above all, he has faith in God.

I pray that people will come to their senses when it comes to relationships. I pray that men would respect the girls - and maybe more importantly, that the girls respect their own worth and dignity. Amen.

GP Day Twenty-Four - Pretty

I've passed half way through my pregnancy and my weeks have been choca blocked filled with social activities, mainly catching up with ex-coworkers, ladies group, choir friends, birthdays etc. As a result, I've taken and shared loads of memorable photos via whatsapp and facebook.

People have been checking my photos out and commenting positively. To my surprise, Dad actually shared some of my photos with our relatives, saying that I've become prettier with this pregnancy. I was flattered yet couldn't think of a response so I stayed quiet.

Now thinking to myself: has all these physical praises become some sort of an addiction?

I don't want to say yes to that. I really appreciate people's positive comments about me and my pictures. I guess I'm trying to stirr this worry into a gratitude feeling.

I am grateful to be given my "glow" - which could be a result of the health and happiness level combined.
For that, I am grateful that God spares me the energy despite the busy activities around my days.

I am hoping to be more able to worship Him and invest my time and energy to get closer to Him.

God help us...

GP Day Twenty Three - Babytalks

Baby turned 18 weeks in my belly today. Everyone keeps saying that this time babies can use their senses and they can hear your voice!.

Exciting.
But what am I supposed to say to mine? I haven't really been a good baby-talker - that's when you talk to a baby or toddler and just keep talking even though you get no clear response in return.

And I feel awkward to supplicate (read: demand) that s/he shall grow up into this all-good humanbeing. I feel the responsibility lies heavily on us the parents; even more on me.

So during today's lunch break I took a stroll at the park, keeping in mind that I was taking my baby with me. The sun came out showing off the beautiful clear fresh air after the rain had passed.

At the start, I told my baby I wasn't sure what to say. I then went on noticing the bright green coloured grass and the blue skies; and I took nice deep breaths.

Dear Baby,
A beautiful world is waiting for you out here. The green grass. Tall trees. You'll have a wonderful time watching the man-made water fountains. Smelling the air. Enjoying the warmth of the sun shine. We'll visit the parks together and have the best times - you and me.

Then I felt happier myself.

GP Day Twenty Two - jobs

Tonight's post is a reflection of my AHA moment that occurred just a few minutes ago.
Today I met AY for lunch. She just started working at the university and told me a little bit about her role; big team, varied tasks, nice modern office, flexible break times etc - well, at least these were what I imagined it to be. Then as I walked out from the campus my preggy friend YN told me via Whatsapp that she got a job that she loves very much; family business, overlooking accounts, lots of flexibility and autonomy etc.

Just a while ago I heard about CS getting a job at the university; much higher pay range, working with an old coleage, meetings, (didn't even have a degree), flexible breaks etc.

Also a while ago as I was having lunch with AD she casually teased that I got thrown into the dark side in terms of role allocation, as compared to a three others girls from my old job, who were interviewed at around the same time.

From that moment I started to think.

A while before that as I was catching-up with an old friend MBTN, she concluded I got rated the same as those who graduated with a diploma. (And she knew, I held a Masters degree).

From that moment I started to think.

I started to question. I started to make assumptions.
I started to look down on myself.

I started to apply for other positions internally.

Only one interview conducted. Over a month ago. Still no news.

And only tonight I realised.

God is testing me for sure. He could easily let me move into higher, more challenging roles - aa He easily put my friends in their good jobs right now. And I have been asking Him to lead me to what's good for me; where HE wants me to be.

So far this is His answer. This must be my portion when it comes to jobs, career and monetary income.

All I need to do is to be grateful.

Be grateful for reconnecting with God and my purpose of life.

Be grateful for realising God's test on me and that He is the Most Wise.

Be grateful for maintaining a positive attitudes towards my friends who got the roles (I truly thought) I'd "die" for.

Knowing that my happiness does not depend on what job I'm doing.

My happiness is with God and being grateful to Him.

GP Day Twenty One

The weekend free course by Authentic Education has opened my eyes to see that being grateful is not about acknowledging the things that have gone wrong while emphasizing unrelated other matters that are deemed positive.

Instead, it is about really looking at each incident that has gone wrong and really figure out the wisdom and lessons they have brought to your current life.

That is the true appreciation. True gratitude.

GP Day Twenty

It's my second last day at my current job.

FOR REAL.

I've been watching Raisa videos on Youtube - stemming from listening to Tulus' music, actually. Her songs are just average. But she is, indeed, nice to look at. Good make-up, perhaps; and I like her clothes too!

So I found some videos where they both perform a series of duets.
What a perfect life.
It made me want to go back into my youth and get involved in music and bands.
What a dream.

The clocks don't go backwards, so I could simply be grateful for what God's provided me with all my life to this moment.

I'm grateful to be married to a good man who is very patient with me being a drama queen.

I'm grateful to have somewhat good relationships with people from various departments at work.

I'm grateful to still be alive today and get the chance to do good deeds for His sake.

GP Day Nineteen

This is going to be my LAST WEEK at my current job!!!!!!!!

Can't describe how happy and relieved I feel after all the dramas today.

As you know, I've started losing my motivation towards mid-2014 as the departmental "reshape" was taking away tasks which I enjoyed doing.
Soon enough I found myself sitting in a new team, with a newly promoted manager, and with no team dynamics at all.

The dragging days began and continued until THIS WEEK!

In December I applied for a job; attended the interview; gone through the reference checks; and was not successful for the role. However, they mentioned an alternative position!

The time line looks like this:

24 Dec
- lady on voicemail told me I wasn't successful but there's another opening and if interested I should contact Pman. Emailed Pman; got missed calls; got a reply from Pman and responded to it with questions.

31 Dec
- Pman called and explained the role and wanted me to start on Jan 13th!! Though my job requires a 4 week notice!!!. Checked with Sl as my manager (JD) was on leave, negotiated with Pman, twice! Pman can hold my offer until Monday morning (5th Jan) when he wants answer!

5 Jan
- Grabbing any chance to talk to JD...and PT from HR. JD checked with his manager and told me the earliest I could leave is on Jan 16th. Called Pman who needs to check and get back.
- (noon) Got missed call from Pman; voicemail saying he was sorry nothing he could do to hold for another week. Felt devastated, angry and confused.
Grabbed PT and teared up; PT spoke to JD. JD told me they can let me go at the end of this week (9th Jan).

What!!??
After all that I've gone through; losing my very chance...!!?

Angry and worried. Got email from Pman saying he would take back the offer in the next 30 minutes. Replied instantly! Saying I can start next week!

Phew....job secured. Cought up with PT about resignation letter. Happy. Relieved.

Got email from Pman to confirm; and a call from Pman to offer part-time option. Yayyyy!!

The rest of the day was just non-focused.

God...I know You have the best plans for me. Thank You for letting me remember You in times of distress.

GP Day Eighteen

So it's been interesting to watch how my days became brighter again.

Blood test and interview's out of the way.
Now I only need to sit back, relax and find out the results.

Social life's getting busier as well. A Graduations celebration on Friday - a religious chat catch-up on Saturday - a ladies small group plus 1-year-old birthday party on Sunday - work mates farewell on Monday.

How did this all happen!
How did my world turn around from a gloomy, boring, lonely dead-end to this??

God holds the power for all things.

1. Thank You for giving me another chance to be grateful to You.
2. Thank You for protecting and guiding me during those dark moments.
3. Thank You for the spirit and health You've provided me with, which allows me to attend all of these invitations.

You're the key to solve all issues. You're the Most Powerful. You're the Wise.

GP Day Seventeen

All praises to God. Today I achieved 3 things!

1. Thank You for the positive team spirit you brought out in us today.
Our team's pod decorations are FINALLY up! After multiple emails I sent to various people; after multiple times being ignored about decorating time allocation request; after the ups and downs of the team's motivation level; after trying to convince them: it is so easy to make the 3D snowflakes; after the few hesitating moments to leave the phone on AUX; after a long, late start! We did it. Welldone team!

2. Thank You for being with me throughout the interview.
My first impression of the office admin and interviewers was: what a friendly bunch of people they are! The admin lady greeted me and made a guess on my ethnic origins (great start!); and she talked about her life. Love it. They didn't give me as many questions as I expected. I thought I communicated quite well and passionately. Hoping for the best! God's Willing.

3. Thank You for healing me up after the blood test.
I did another one - after so many times before. I kept telling myself it was going to be ok; it was going to be quick; not a big deal; etc. As soon as I sat on that chair my hands went cold. As my arm was tied my breathing went crazy fast. As the alcohol liquid touched my skin I felt pins-and-needles sensations flowing from my hands...to my stomach...up tp my neck!

What was that all about?
I felt the needle going in, it felt sharp but small. It was quicker than I thought.

But my physical reactions were shocking.

God, help me clear away my fears. I have too much fear for things that really aren't worth it. Please guide me. Please help me to fear only You.

GP Day Sixteen

Today's quite overwhelming.
There's a terrorist act in Sydney and it involves Islamic symbols. Agh.

We went to see a fertility specialist to learn about our options. I learnt that there's no way to avoid the pain. I was in a major hesitation when it comes to getting a blood test - even though I've done it before! It's just...in the last one the nurse moved the needle around to find the vein, inside my skin. That made me cry.

I decided to do it another time.

Then I got a call from a potential employer at an institution which was my second home for six years! I got my first interview invitation in three years!

I'm not even 100% sure if I really want this job or not. Plus I've taken a couple of sick leaves these days. I don't have to attend the interview and just stay where I am now...

But then I thought; when am I ever going to achieve anything at all if I don't give that extra push to be outside my comfort zone?

1. Thank You for guiding me and teaching me about pushing my way into my goals.

2. Thank You for showing me that my skills can be attractive.

3. Thank You for the smooth day at work: nobody asked me what I was going to leave early for.

4. Thank You for keeping me safe when walking around the city despite the recent sensitive news.

GP Day Fifteen

My days are getting worse and worse, with today I didn't feel like talking to anybody; plus that lady on the phone with her everlasting, repetitive complaint!

Agh!

By 5.-zero-zero pm I was OUT of there.

I really need to capture the blessings now.

------
Ok as I was typing that I realised I'd jumped on the wrong tram and would have to walk back.

What is WRONG with me today.

Focus.
Blessings!

1. I'm grateful that I am still alive. I'm still breathing, still typing...sitting comfortably at the tram stop...with warm winds blowing away...

2. I'm grateful that I'm blessed with time. It's not even 5.30 yet and I can't be bothered attending the political seminar anymore...it'd be finished when I get there! I'll just go home...

3. I'm grateful to have my vision; to see the fresh green leaves on the trees and bright clear blue skies around me...

God...why do I complain so much in my life? Why can't I ALWAYS live in a gratitude bubble?

Please save me....

GP Day Fourteen

So after the full-on yet productive client visit last week I started to wonder. I started to collect my thoughts. I started to plan.

I started creating a Power Point presentation that targets the CEO and talks about the piles of issues at work and possible solutions.

The message was conveyed yesterday, to our CEO. But I did not see this coming:
-that the CEO almost has no clue on what was happening in our department
-that the company revenue has been hugely invested back into our department that the profit margin became smaller
-that the overall staff turnover rate is no worse than expected

With these things in mind, my fired-up arguments became no longer relevant.

Plus, I had two short meetings with my manager and his manager on how it was inappropriate for me to talk about the issues directly with the CEO.

Oh great.

So the conclusion is: I've been here for too long hence I think too much and it's probably time for me to seek skills and rewards elsewhere.

Anyhow, blessings keep on poured on us all so let's count mine:

1. I'm grateful to be assigned a manager who does not take things personally. I now have more respect for his poker face and non-existant emotions.

2. I'm grateful that someone in my "dead" team was brave enough to initiate the team pod decoration spirit!

3. I'm grateful that it is such a lovely afternoon.

GP Day Thirteen

Oh God I feel good again. I actually chaired our very first team meeting in a long time! I was nervous and surely made tons of unnecessary physical gestures. But I got the message across...I think.

I'm so grateful that my fellow team members started to open up; to bring real team issues to the table instead of shaking it all off - all except AT. She quickly said all is perfect and she wants no change. I was very tempted to think she's had too many issues overtime that she no longer cares; no longer believes that any good change will come.

I'm grateful to hear others feel what I feel all this time: that the team dynamic is lost. I'm glad that everyone seemed keen to have something done to improve our condition.

So I then decided to capture all these ideas and put them all in a Meeting Minutes email which I sent back to the team - complete with the Action Plans!

Love it.

I felt alive again. As if we are moving somewhere. We'll see about that.

And early tomorrow morning I'm flying out to Brisbane to meet a set of new clients, which is oh-so-exciting!

Thank You, God, the Almighty, the Know-it-all, the Most Merciful, the Best Planner!

This week would probably be the best work week I've had in a very, very long time.