These Days

Seems like it's been 3 weeks that my husband hasn't been working. He was let go on a Friday, during Ramadhan, to all my shock. Since then he's been looking, applying and attending interviews for his next job.

Meantime in my office things are business as normal. My days still feel long and flat. I come to work, spread my hellos and few smiles, sit on my chair and get ready to do my work. Then the day just goes pass, slowly, until it is 5:00pm. I log off the phone and computer, spread my byes and walk out.

Flat and dry.

My weekend was quite awesome, though - which sort of helps. I decided to invite my friends over for lunch, singing and general catch-up. It was meant to celebrate my birthday. I was glad the majority of invitees turned up. I was glad they all loved the food. I was glad they all got along, even though they may not know one another that well.

Thank God everything went smoothly on that day.

I felt the need to maintain the relationship with my friends. Who are my friends?

That would be simply people I'm comfortable to be around with. There are plenty of people I wish to befriend. Smart, popular, successful, good-looking people in my world. After all, they say you will be just like your friends hence choose your friends carefully.

But I'm now tired of trying to be included. Tired of pretending I belong. Tired of those polite small talks. I just want to be able to be myself, express my thoughts, laugh, and where possible, do a creative project together. That'd be my perfect friendship.

I have to believe in God to lead me to the "right" persons. Those who help me learn and grow but are comfortable enough with my personality.

Ramadhan is Ending

Tonight will be the last night of this year's Ramadhan, yet I feel like I haven't achieved much. My weeks have been busy with the daily work. We still tend to go back to bed after our morning meal. These past few days I have even been arriving late to work! I still get snappy at my husband from time to time. That's probably an effect from a bad day at work. And what I mean "bad" is not usually related to any bad incidents - but merely nothing exciting happens and the day is felt utterly dull. That is, bad.

I still try to keep up with my tarawih prayers in the evening but we mostly do it at home. I occupy my mind with the conflicts in Gaza and have been having discussions with some of my Jewish friends. These just go in circle as we all rely on media sources which would always portray one side as the victim while the other is a villain.

I'm giving up on this issue. There is not much I can do to change the world but at least I've got more insights into the different perspectives on both sides.

Okay I need to go and pray Zuhur now..

Dear Hubby

I was texting him today while working. I knew it wasn't going any closer to a stimulating conversation. It hardly is, anyway. But I put extra efforts in writing nice things. Politely flirty things - which sounded so fake I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time!

I pushed back the urge to nag him or do a check of chores with him. Our conversation was short. It was irrelevant. It was just overrated praises and gratitude, without a real topic....just like some nice decoration.

And I realised this is exactly what we used to do before we got married...

*   *   *

As I was walking out of the office I contemplated how he's been treating me well. Full of gentleness and caring. When he speaks to me his tone is always polite - it often sounds formal and it annoys me. But he tried to be nice. He tried to be what I asked of him.

He tried so hard that it becomes his nature...

All this time, it's always him who is willing to go into the deep end of things...and do the dirty work to fix things...
He wouldn't ever hesitate to get up and go for it - whatever needs to be done to give me comfort. To make my life easier.

So how do I not see him all this time and all these years that we've lived together?

What stops me from being nice to him...?

Current Issues

Just as I was writing the previous blog post, apparently there was good news coming my way. A few hours later I was informed that there would be a salary increase starting in the next pay cycle!

Maybe God prefers me to stay in this company.

Career issue put aside.
Social media is massively packed with these issues now:
1. Israel bombed Gaza
2. Indonesian election results
3. Brazil World Cup (though I don't follow much)

Whilst in my world, here are the top issue:
1. Becoming apprehensive with routines
2. Stomach cramp & eczma
3. Planning house chores
....
....
...Gaza issue.

I got my "monthly" this morning and so that eliminates the need for me to attend the Tarawih prayer tonight.
Ideally I would use my time to do the laundry, vacum the rooms, fold our clothes and even cook lots and lots of veggies to stock up!!

But another part of me is feeling the cramp, the boredom and physical fatigue. This part of me just wants to indulge in sweets, msg-related snacks, and bed!

God please help me stay strong.
Remind me that I'm stronger than that - cause You're the Strongest of all.

Lost

This is the first time I write a blog post during my work hours. I was going to take a walk for the morning break but it's too cold and windy outside that I decided to sit around in my favourite place - a lobby with high ceilings, sofas and people's chatters.

These days I came to work feeling flat - like I couldn't care much. About my work. About those students. About my manager's perceptions. About socialising with anyone. Just about anything I used to care about.

It seemed that nothing was really happening at work. Nothing was changing - despite the big waves of announcements about the Reshape we heard last month. So far it was business as usual. With less intensity and volume, for some reason. At least, in my case.

I've started looking for other jobs out there, from university, to government, to banking (I know!). I felt so clueless I didn't know where my career was heading to. My husband just lost his job last week and it was weird and a little shocking at first. He's having a few interviews today so I'm hoping for the best for him, for our family.

All this job-hunting led me away from my wifey goals and I seem to have lost it somewhere in the middle. I don't want to stay here because I'm just so bored with my days. But I don't want to start a new career from scratch altogether because I need to settle down and stress less - or even plan a maternity leave - well, for the future. And so....I'm just confused.

Dear God....what is it that You want us to do at this point of time... we both are so lost in our career - especially me. Where can I go to find that peace and contentment...
What should I do....
Please have mercy on us and please guide me every step of the way....

How to Treat your Husband

This was taken from someone called Laura (purematremony; wisewives)

Become aware of your actions and behaviors.

Do not criticize, contradict, or teach (even if you feel you are smarter than him).

Be accepting and trusting.

Don’t be unpleasable.

Don’t nag.

Feel genuine respect for him; something that will appear from habit.

Don’t say anything negative about his ideas or desires.

Remind yourself that you are taking the high road.

Remind yourself that you can either have the satisfaction of being right, or have intimacy in your marriage.

Don’t be rude.

Recognize that he deserves the same niceness and hospitality you would give a guest in your house for example.

Don’t yell or give the silent treatment.

If he does something that you really can’t respect, then forgive him because you wouldn’t want him to hold a mistake against you one day.

If you find yourself doing these things Laura suggests saying one sentence, and one sentence only, nothing before and nothing after: “I apologize for being disrespectful when I…(state specific thing).”
Believe it or not, men need respect more than they need physical intimacy. Without it they feel unsuccessful and can withdraw. They will do what they can to spend as much time with the people that show them that respect; whether it’s in the home, at work, with his buddies or wherever.
Wouldn’t you want him to want spend as much time as he can with you?

Try this: As you’re interacting with your husband this week notice when you are being disrespectful and as soon as you recognize it, apologize by saying the magic words, “I apologize for being disrespectful.”
Take note of how you felt saying it, and how your husband reacted. It won’t be easy at first, but practice makes perfect and if Laura is right, his chest should puff out a little from your words.

Winners Announced

At the end of today, the management team finally announced the people who were successful in their internal job application. The Manager Student Success roles were not new - I'm sure everybody saw the two persons would eventually fill in the roles, and the rest of Managers are old school senior staff members. So that was fine.

Now for the 5 AD roles - one which I had applied for and not even been given a chance for interview/presentation - this was where my curiosity fell. One by one the "winners" were announced , most of them had been working closely with SS, who'd be in charge of the new AD team!

Duh!

On one hand I was surprised, looking at those relatively new and young (inexperienced!) faces who got selected. On the other hand, it seemed dull that they opened the door to EVERYONE on the floor to apply yet probably from the beginning it was always SS who controlled over the selection process; and of course, she'd pick people in her own team. How would she know much about how others have performed, right?

It's not fair.
But this is reality.

Back to the train conversation with Aaron, managers have limited range of attention so it's a matter of how you make a big deal of what you've achieved. In other words, you gotta sell yourself up to your manager.

Now I could see how easy it is to forget who your true God is, when this "Manager" figure plays such an important and immediate role in your career success and professional achievements! No wonder there are office politics everwhere. No wonder people are two-faced and trying hard to impress their managers.

But again, managers are simply human beings with limited knowledge. Their decision could easily be influenced by anything outside your control. The facts can be all the same, but the interpretation is the key. They can think of your behavior as outstanding...or lacking. As amazing...or annoying. It's all subjective.
And who controls the heart of human beings?

God.

.......

It crossed my mind a few times; how I deserve a bigger opportunity; how I have more potentials than what's applicable to my current situation; how I haven't been "managed" properly to unleash my talents; and ultimately that it's time for me to look for a "better job".

But now there's been a new perspective. I don't suffer from low finances - so I don't long for a higher paying job. I don't suffer from mean people or work stress - so I don't need to quit. I want to eventually grow and develop a new life in my family - so I don't need to stress about climbing the career ladder.

All I have to do is to find and manage my motivation and take any opportunity that comes by. God knows exactly what I need and He will give it to me at the right time. I just need to sit back, relax, and try to become a better person each day.