On a Thursday Night

I don't know why but the train I'm riding is going at a superslow rate.

Time to blog away...!

So today work was under control. It was too under control that it became rather demotivating. I got to finish all my emails, made me calls, investigated odd things on my lists, even checked out the European hijab styles online! (well, didn't find very much).

I was ready to go with my To-Buy list. As soon as I stepped out of the office my smile appeared - for the blue sky, and the scattered thin clouds, and just..a pleasant atmosphere.

And of course, the excitement of SHOPPING!

I got even more excited entering the Bourke st Mall area, going through my list a few times...Argan oil...large sport bag...that korean lolly like what Kyleen gave me (si yummy!)...gift wrap...and teapot (turned out I didn't need a teapot; all I needed was a practical filter fir me to enjoy my loose-leave tea!)

All praise to God who guides me during shopping!

I also met a few sisters on my way around the city. I sent them Salaam (peace) whenever I dared.

There was a random man who entered the bag shop I was in, saying "Masya Allah..sister...assalaamualaikum sister"

And of course, I got excited and replied his Salaam until I looked around and realised he purposely entered the shop to approach me. Soon enough he started talking about I-don't-know-what but I assumed it was a version of money begging.

I quickly said sorry and freed myself into the next shop.

Ohh. I love entering these shops...where there are changes of atmosphere each time you enter!

All praise to God. My train moves as per normal now.

The Ups and Downs in Life

I realised, there are limitless possible topics you can write about. Even when you've decided to use a blog to track your life progress. There could be love life progress, health progress, Quran memorisation progress, career progress, personal development progress and many more!

A while ago certain things I do bothered me so much that I was determined to keep writing to record my process of overcoming them. Soon enough my days seemed better and I became more carefree that I hardly remembered my problems.

It's amazing how God changes your heart and emotions as easy as that.

Last Tuesday I truly felt happiness. I left the office knowing I'd done all the tasks I aimed to get done. Then on my way, walking to the choir rehearsal. I looked forward to singing itself; any songs they'd throw at me - I didn't mind.

I had no worries. Nothing bothered me.

There was only content and a bit of excitement.

I also realised at that time how rare I felt that kind of feeling. I then quickly thanked God for giving me that. I asked God to help maintain this state of joy. I felt empowered. Even when I got home I'm pretty sure I was able to stay as a nice person. We had a nice evening together.

Yesterday the happy feelings weren't there. I was a bit tense. The thought of "nobody wants to speak to me" stopped by for a while, I remember. How silly. There was also the "I don't contribute enough" thought passing by. I couldn't help it I must have carried all those thoughts with me in the evening.

During my pilates trial class my mind kept asking why am I here?

So of course, the eczma went crazy by bedtime and I was back into my horrible self again.

Bye Beach

I was really looking forward to finishing work today and head off to the seabath house by the beach!

It took quite an effort to persuade my husband to come along to swimming.

I wanted to show him the beautiful sunset by the beach, while the two of us enjoy the warm jacuzzi.

Awhhh...

Today is a public holiday, but as per the company policy I was rostered to work. The office was silent and I felt time was dragging. Finally 4 o'clock came! Yippiii!!

I met him at the prayer place and we had some snacks. I could see a flood of crowd around the river, enjoying the food, rides, and doll prizes. Trust me, I was tempted to cancel my swimming plan!

But I didn't. I managed to stick to our plan and soon the two of us were inside the tram. Side by side. Just like the old days - as uni students, going everywhere by trams. It was nice to look at the many looks and shapes of passengers around us and we were busy making comments.

Finally we got off the tram and I heard music! And I saw white tents!There must be some kind of outdoor festival!

And there was. Though the stalls started to be packed up. We walked through it and towards the beach.

Oh it was wonderful!
The weather was cool. The clouds let through some colorful shines from the afternoon sun. People passed by with their dogs, their prams, their bikes, and loved ones.

Still. Our intention was for that pool - and the jacuzzi!
We walked towards the building and there was something odd.

The pool was empty.

Oh..no..

The front desk was in the dark.

Nooooooooo!!!!

I couldn't believe this. Everything seemed so perfect and I couldn't swim in the end?!?!?

Are You testing me?
I groaned and moaned and he kept saying sorry - which he shouldn't as it wasn't his fault!

Then as we waited for the tram to go back, I tried to apply what I learnt at the self esteem seminar:

Sit straight, and smile.

I'm still upset. But I'm hoping my body can at least benefit from such gesture. And I'm hoping God will surprise me with something better....

ReTurning Point

I just attended a womens seminar by a psychologist Dr. Seenam(?) at the CERES corner - by the way, what an interestingly huge hidden spot that is!

The seminar was about Self-esteem.
Just what I need.
I've managed to take an RDO for this, mainly.

It was alright. Speaker tried to be interactive. I tried to be responsive - in the end I was given gift (yes, scarf!) I think because of my participation. Thanks ladies!

So anyhow, during the seminar I realised most of the things we discussed were nothing new. I've thought about them again and again. I've planned to make a change again and again.

But it all seemed to be forgotten; no longer on my To-do list! What happened there? Did I become too comfortable with my life these days that I completely neglect my self concerns?

Maybe.

You can tell by the random topics of my blog posts. I meant to take it as a project, to monitor my progress.

My progress from being who I am today, to being who I want to be.

That means - simply put - the following:

1. Don't indulge in negative thoughts
2. Remember to recite and communicate with God
3. Control my level of irritability at home
4. Get up on time for morning prayer and start the day there and then!

There you go.

I won't put too many things for I know it ain't easy to make ONE change!

So let's see what life throws at me - or rather, what tests God will present me with - and how I'd react to these!

So I start this...in the name of God the Most Merciful the Most Loving the Most Watchful.

Skipped a Week

Oh wow I haven't been writing for a while now. Seems like time's running faster that I don't get a chance to be bored while on the train - hence the blog.

Let's see... Yesterday after work I went to that HipHop class with Wannita. It was goooood. Sweat a bit and got a nice pat from the instructor. Woohoo!
The night before I stayed back after choir rehearsal to work on that Happy song with my conductor.

I don't think I did anything unusual on Monday..except I was looking forward to choir the next day...

That's it!

I might have lost time as I was busy getting excited to work on the song!

So last night - again - I was browsing on Youtube to find a good version of a song cover. I managed to find an accappela version, a duet version and a choir version that I liked.

The conductor hasn't responded to my two emails that showed these videos.

I must admit. He's a typical conservative Brit even though he's somewhat applying his creativity to a certain level when he creates harmony parts for our choir.

None of my ideas were taken. Yes, he did spend a few seconds listening to them but in the end he would stick to his own idea - which was simply following the original version of the song. Obviously he prefers to be in the safety zone.

I wanted more!

I had all these visions of our choir putting out an awesome performance of this song. In our awesome new version!

But it doesn't seem to be happening. Anyhow he's asked me to practice the solo part (long and repetitive!) for next week's rehearsal. I'm still excited to have the choir sing this song. I'm going to be naughty and announce that I'm looking for a solo partner.

He was never keen to open the Soloist door to everyone. I disagree with this. Having a solo role has really kept me coming to rehearsals. I'm sure others can benefit from having the same opportunity too!

With our unique voices and singing style, we can create a colorful, powerful song!

Time ~

It is true what they say, about how time passes by more quickly as you get older.

When you are very young you just can't wait for the hours to pass. For the day to end. For school term to finish. To get older (though I don't remember myself being so keen on getting older).

Yet the clock seemed to really takes its time. Testing your patience.

Maybe that's because we were not able to do much. We waited for the school bus to come. Waited to get picked up from school. Waited for parents to come home. Waited for maids to prepare dinner. Waited and waited.

But now that we have learnt to make things happen, time seems to run away from us.

Wait up!
Wait - I'm not ready to get up!
Wait - I'm not ready to leave the house!
Wait - I'm not ready to jump on the phones!
Wait - I'm not ready to leave the office as my work is piling up!
Wait - I'm not ready for bedtime as I just had dinner!

Could you just PAUSE for a while!?

No.

Time never does pause. That is the way God has intended. We need to "make the most of it".

I need to be aware of what I'm doing each moment. I need to make sure I don't lose time to wasteful things.

Oh great. I've missed my stop at Westall Mosque!

Other Factors

I've been looking forward to this day; the day my work mates actually did make it to choir rehearsal! For some of them, it feels like years that they've somehow convinced me they wanted to come to the "next" rehearsal. Of course, they never did. There was always a reason why they couldn't make it.

Dinner with family.
Must get something for nephew.
Must pick up the car.
Tired, need to rest.
Going to the gym.
Got so much work.
Etc...

It's not that I needed my workmates to accompany me going to rehearsal so badly. But I just wanted for them to experience what I have experienced and who knows they might find joy and happiness.

Somehow I felt like I asked them too much. Too often. Well, this is what you get from saying "maybe"!

I might come check it out.
We'll see. Sounds fun.
Okay, but I'll just watch.

To me, all of the above means YES I WILL COME.

But these people might mean YES I WILL SAY WHATEVER THAT YOU MAY WANT TO HEAR EVEN THOUGH I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO!

So. Anyways, the FIVE of them managed to cross the road onto the building where rehearsal was held temporarily. I was all excited and sure that this is the day! This is it!

Once they entered the lobby, one came up with the idea of JUST SITTING ON THE STAIRS AND WATCH instead of participating. What's the fun in that? What's the point!

And of course others decided to do the same.

My worst nightmare.

So what, they'd be just sitting there watching me and this bunch of people sing simple songs?! Seriously. Waste of time right?

Thank God one girl was brave enough to stand in front row with me and sang her heart out.

Then I remembered.

Singing and performing is not for everyone. She just happens to be one of us who find joy in singing and don't hold onto our comfort zone or good image too much.

I also remembered.

I don't control what people would feel. Today, we didn't sing those cool, funky, harmonic songs. Today, we had to sing at the centre of an office lobby with ever moving audiences. Today, our group looked smaller than ever.

Today, some things are just not what I expected.

Well...

Life goes on. And I'm going to meet those people soon enough, the next morning in the office. They can tell whoever they want to tell how boring my choir is. But I just have to remember one thing: it's not my fault.

I guess you'd find the pleasant experience when you put the effort into getting one. If you've closed yourself from the beginning, there's not much I could do...