Confidence and Speaking

I didn't write "public speaking" up there for a reason. Everyone hates - or, claims to hate - public speaking. So if I tell them I have an issue with public speaking, well, who doesn't?

But my issue is to do with just Speaking, to another human being or a group of human beings. I tend to giggle; I tend to get so self-aware I'd lose my chain of thoughts then get nervous for no real reason! Hearing my own voice talking can make me nervous!

These past few days I'd been sneaking away during work to watch some of the TED-talks videos on Youtube. It amazed me how many people can appear so confident speaking on stage, with lights on their face, to hundreds of audience, about their passion, to create huge impacts in society!

For a moment I had this urge of living in the US in the future, for I've seen many people who grow up in US turn out to be confident, well-articulated people, who speak their mind and not being diplomatic when it comes to a disagreement. They can be assertive but at the same time be honest and show their true self.

I wish I could be one of these people...

Although my company presentation which I did, received many positive feedback from people at work, I watched myself on the recorded video and thought that wasn't good enough. Nobody would take her seriously.

So at choir today, when the floor was open to wishes, I put my hand up and told everyone that I needed help to work on my confidence and communication skills. An unfamiliar face volunteered to help me. We caught up after rehearsal and I found out she came from Singapore when she was 19; wanting to make music videos; ending up as a school teacher; and now working in mortgage. Wow.

We talked about different styles of speaking at work and with your manager in a one-and-one, for example. She'd also taken a course on communication and was happy to share her notes with me.

Then more people, one by one, approached me - all saying they were surprised with my wish.

"What do you need more confidence for? You're already very confident!"

What!?
Just because I sing a tiny solo part they think that I'm confident??

I told them that I didn't feel that way. We got to talk about tricks and personal experiences for a while. I felt very blessed that these people saw me in a positive light and liked me for who I was.

If only I could see me the way you see me...

Maybe I over-criticize myself. But hey, if that's been instilled in me, that means I just have to deal with it along my journey of self-development.

So now I'm writing down some points of action from my full-on conversations:

▶ prepare your dot points before speaking to the other person [MCH]

▶ try to speak face-to-face rather than email [ADW]

▶ learn to say no if you disagree, and state your opinion [ADW]

▶ consider taking up a short course in communication/presentation [JHN]

▶ believe that you're confident, cause that's what other people see [JHN]

The S Word

It was a very long Monday with two trips back and forth to the hospital for my UV therapy. I finally got it done and went to the nice little Sacred Space to perform my prayer at sunset.

During my first two rakaats I tried to revise my memorisation, however it wasn't easy - as the man in front of me recited EVERYTHING ALOUD throughout his whole prayer. He also had many more takbirs. His recitations were quite different although many parts are somewhat similar.

My focus shifted, could he be....?

After I finished praying I decided to sit for a while and watch the man. He kept on reciting praises quickly, repeatedly, and loudly!
Then his phone rang. Nokia. He put it on his right ear while continuing with his recitations.

I was getting more interested. I wanted to ask why he recited things loudly when it could distract others! But he didn't show any sign of being close to finish yet.

So I gathered my things and walked out where I put my shoes on. There was a young boy who'd been waiting around outside the room.

"Is that your Dad?" I asked him.

He said yes. Yayy!

"His praying was interesting" I smiled. "Where are you from?"

"From Iraq" he said. For some reason I was expecting Iran as his answer. Oh well.
The question finally came out.

"So...is it Shi'ah??"

He paused to process my question before he cheerfully nodded "Yes, yes Shi'ah!"

! ! !

Okay. Now what??

"Cool" I smiled and excused myself.

                               *   *   *

Few steps later I regret not asking the boy more questions, like:
▶Do you really hate Abu Bakr? Or Aisyah?
▶Do you consider Sunni people as your Muslim brothers?
▶anything else that had wondered in my head!

But one thing that lingered was...the boy looked so happy that I guessed his faith type, just like when people guessed if I was from Indonesia for example. If his belief was full of hatred and bad practices as I'd heard from many, then it's hard to explain why he reacted so positively to someone who looked like a typical South East Asian (Sunni?) Muslim like me.

Right?

At the Hospital

So there I was, in the Sacred Space of one of the largest hospitals in town. I just performed my midday prayer after meeting my skin specialist about my eczma which hadn't stopped since last winter!
I just signed up for the regular UV light therapy for the next few weeks. This means I have to come out to the city super early 3 x per week to undergo certain minutes of therapy before going to work.

I took a sick leave today and came out with a list of things to buy. Once I hit Big W my list was doubled and I bought a lot of new things to replace my old things in the kitchen and bathroom.

I'd also gone to the pharmacy to get my prescribed medication. Now I've got 3 huge plastic bags full of stuff which I carried around until I entered this room.

This hospital indeed provides a small yet very nice spot where we can pray. I love how the holy Books of different religions are displayed along the corridor.

I like the idea of having a "sacred space" for any faith community to use and reflect on life. Though I'm sure that most times the space is only used by the many praying Muslims, I decided to take a pause for a minute and write down my thoughts.

After this I need to head home, taking a quick stop at the supermarket to get some mushrooms. I really wanted to make creamy soup with broccolis and mushrooms! And then continuing on my To-Do list. There were too many items I spotted to be cleaned or fixed that I got so easily distracted at home that my To-Do list never seemed to end.

Alright. Enough pausing for now, and I shall make a move.

Express Your Interest!

So after the Reshaping news it wasn't only me who lost the sense of direction. Apparently most people felt something significant was being taken away from them and, like me, everyone was eyeing on this new, much more senior, Account Director (AD) role on the Client Success division (CS) while knowing it is out of reach, considering what we do on day-to-day basis.

The following week was filled with various catch-ups.

I first caught up with my direct manager and she seemed to make the AD role even scarier and pushed the Student Success Division (SS) roles on me, challenging me on my "out of the box" contributions so far.

Stressed.

The next day I caught up with our Head of Operations who is my manager's manager. She was a very people-person and I was comfortable enough to let out my concerns about this New Shape. She shed a light by being very positive and excited about the new SS and how nothing we'd do will be the same as what we do now. She also emphasised on having many rooms of process improvements and becoming a champion at something.

Oh well, I could live with that.

But I wasn't very satisfied just to let go of the AD role.

I was being sneaky and decided to email another manager who'd been appointed as a Senior AD for a catch up. I knew if I become AD she'd possibly be my manager and I would LOVE to work with this one - I think she is awesome!
Soon enough my manager sent around an email encouraging everyone to approach any of the managers.

Perfect!

So the next day I sat with this awesomely happy manager. She was thrilled that I decided to approach her and she encouraged me even more to catch up with everyone before making any decision. She was also very open to share her own experiences and efforts which brought her to her current level. She shared with me her vision of what she and her future AD would work closely together daily, discussing strategies.

Drools.

Once I got back to my desk I quickly type an email to the Head of Client division - a high level lady who will be recruiting and whom I never spoke to ever - for a catch up. The next day I caught up with her and my manager. Like everyone else, she pushed the idea of the AD role being a long-term career goal. She talked about the high level of accountability and mentioned how many people chose the role simply because they were bored or wanted something different; and that's not a good enough reason for it.

I nodded knowing exactly what she meant. I said that at this stage I'm quite excited to go into any role and continue my progression, though my interest still lies on CS side. They both appreciated my positive look at it and encouraged me to go for it. If I don't get the role at least they'd know where my interest is; and I could seek some feedback for improvements.

Hey this isn't a bad idea!

Finally in the afternoon I sat with my manager who agreed to help me come up with some points against the selection criteria. It still required further brainstorming but I really appreciated everyone's time, encouragement and support I received so far.

I stepped out in a good mood and decided to stop by the CEO's office to say hi. He was very welcoming and we chatted about my presentation last time. I also told him I was going for the AD role and he was happy for me. The head of CS passed by and we shared casual jokes.

Wow. So this is what it feels like to enter the management team who drives the business...?

I looked back at the prayer I'd been saying lately:

Dear God, if the job is good for me and will make me a better worshipper of You, please bring it closer; and if not, please open my heart to be happy with whatever You decide for me.

Right now I have not formally applied for anything, yet I feel different. Maybe it's not really winning the role that I wished for. Maybe it's more the new connection with these great people that I actually wished for.

God is Greater. All praise to God, Lord of the worlds.

Wifey Project

Today I started attending the ladies intensive course on Becoming a True Believer, which will run on the next three Sundays. The course mainly looks into us as human beings; the fact that we are a noble creature because we are given a heart, soul, mind in this physical body, hence a freedom to choose what we do with it; while we are also naturally greedy, ungrateful, forgetful and so on. The next part I believe we will look into Knowing About God. I'm quite excited.

As of course, the audience is female only (and everyone except ME have kids), the Q&A session revolved around husband-wife issues - as always. People asked again and again about the duties, rights, scenarios etc in marriage.

And the speaker mentioned nothing I haven't heard before; the bottom line is: wifes are supposed to obey their husbands as the husbands are now their guardian and take responsibility over them.

And everytime I hear it I feel quite comfortable with this rule, for I know that it is a great opportunity to please God and get rewards by submitting to your husband; there's really nothing to lose. The husband, on the other hand, can get his share of good deeds when he gives into his wife's preference.

In a perfect world, both parties would race towards God's pleasure by racing towards forgiving, loving, serving, caring, sacrificing, compromising, and doing things to put their partner's interest first. Clearly I can make sense of this wife-obeys-husband theory....how simple it is!

And at the end of this kind of discussion, I'd feel energised and excited to meet my husband and treat him much, much better until........I actually meet my husband. For some reason, things turn almost the opposite, all the time.

I'd argue about anything and everything. I'd boss him around and have no mercy. I'd ask him to do things for me and then complain about how he does everything. I almost don't do anything to help in this household!

It's so strange and frustrating and so on-going that it's become FUNNY now that I think about it.

Like this evening. After my night prayer I had an inspiration to seriously work on my role as a wife. I have to start to contribute more in doing chores and even offer him tea - like a typical wife would do? So I invited him for a discussion to see what sort of reinforcement system could help me change in this way.

Well what do you know? This very discussion soon enough turned into an argument. I was frustrated with his responses which I thought were irrelevant, judgemental, not helping, silly, and the list goes on....

I tried to hold my mouth from talking back...and the things I wanted to say piled up so fast that it made me want to laugh.

THAT'S IT. I've been through this! He doesn't get it. He doesn't always get what I want, or what I think should be. And THAT'S the way it is!

True that you have to (generally) obey your husband but this doesn't mean he's perfect or says the right words or does the right things! That's why they need a female on their side!

We're here to support them; to meet his needs; to shape him into a better man! We're the one sensitive enough to notice the little things; to spot the areas of improvements; to fill the gaps in his imperfect way of life! 

Duh!

Recently when I got drowned into winning an argument, I've been using the mantra: "Even though I'm right, I'm not gonna argue with you." It helps a lot to reduce the waste of our energy arguing while still appear as a winner. Lol.

But I still long to reach a higher stage where I don't need to win anything.

So back to our discussion about trying to change me, we figured that Arguing should be my very first step!

He agreed to have one day every week for me to not argue at all. And if I do, I have to pay him $5 per topic (I hope this is motivating enough for him to stay in the game).

Yes, that's a start.

Bismillaahirrahmaanirrahiim...

Reshape

I decided to fast today.
This is supposed to be a repayment from last year since I can't keep track.

And trials came up leaving me emotional at the end of the day.

So there's a reshaping in my department that's supposed to "make us more efficient" and "create opportunities".

It really does.

And I'm sad because I feel already defeated. They remove the part of my role that I prefer doing and give it to a new role which is beyond my reach - so it seems; and that is: client management.

So life was great and suddenly I'm stuck with the choice of either: a) acquire senior role skills overnight and get that new role, or b) suck it up and use half a brain to process robbotic tasks.

No no, it's GREAT for the company!

I'm just feeling pushed to the side and to the background cause I don't know how to show off my knowledge and capabilities. And I know how many others can appear much more confident, outspoken and again....diplomatic.

Sigh...

But then again....I am fasting today. Maybe God made this thing occured today to test me.

God help me take a positive look on things and increase my gratitude!

Handsome

I saw a handsome person on the train.

I was catching up on my daily Qur'an target on the way home from choir. When I looked up I realised the man sitting just in front of me was so handsome that I needed to look a few times - just to confirm my judgement.

I wasn't sure what my definition of handsome was but the person was surely good looking. Also, he dressed up really nicely. Light brown coat matching with the pants, with checkered shawl. Brown hand bag matching the brown neat hair! I was sure I wasn't the only one who'd think he was an eye candy.

If I were single I would probably wonder what he'd be like as a person, whether he had a girlfriend, what his girlfriend might be like, whether he noticed me right here.

But the thoughts that came to mind was...whether I could dress my husband up just like the style of this man! I was so tempted to ask where he got his coat from, how much it costed him etc. I was thinking of my husband wrapped in nice, classy outfit; and how it might change his life...

Okay, so the person has gotten off the train....

Hmm...thanks for the inspiration.