ReTurning Point

I just attended a womens seminar by a psychologist Dr. Seenam(?) at the CERES corner - by the way, what an interestingly huge hidden spot that is!

The seminar was about Self-esteem.
Just what I need.
I've managed to take an RDO for this, mainly.

It was alright. Speaker tried to be interactive. I tried to be responsive - in the end I was given gift (yes, scarf!) I think because of my participation. Thanks ladies!

So anyhow, during the seminar I realised most of the things we discussed were nothing new. I've thought about them again and again. I've planned to make a change again and again.

But it all seemed to be forgotten; no longer on my To-do list! What happened there? Did I become too comfortable with my life these days that I completely neglect my self concerns?

Maybe.

You can tell by the random topics of my blog posts. I meant to take it as a project, to monitor my progress.

My progress from being who I am today, to being who I want to be.

That means - simply put - the following:

1. Don't indulge in negative thoughts
2. Remember to recite and communicate with God
3. Control my level of irritability at home
4. Get up on time for morning prayer and start the day there and then!

There you go.

I won't put too many things for I know it ain't easy to make ONE change!

So let's see what life throws at me - or rather, what tests God will present me with - and how I'd react to these!

So I start this...in the name of God the Most Merciful the Most Loving the Most Watchful.

Skipped a Week

Oh wow I haven't been writing for a while now. Seems like time's running faster that I don't get a chance to be bored while on the train - hence the blog.

Let's see... Yesterday after work I went to that HipHop class with Wannita. It was goooood. Sweat a bit and got a nice pat from the instructor. Woohoo!
The night before I stayed back after choir rehearsal to work on that Happy song with my conductor.

I don't think I did anything unusual on Monday..except I was looking forward to choir the next day...

That's it!

I might have lost time as I was busy getting excited to work on the song!

So last night - again - I was browsing on Youtube to find a good version of a song cover. I managed to find an accappela version, a duet version and a choir version that I liked.

The conductor hasn't responded to my two emails that showed these videos.

I must admit. He's a typical conservative Brit even though he's somewhat applying his creativity to a certain level when he creates harmony parts for our choir.

None of my ideas were taken. Yes, he did spend a few seconds listening to them but in the end he would stick to his own idea - which was simply following the original version of the song. Obviously he prefers to be in the safety zone.

I wanted more!

I had all these visions of our choir putting out an awesome performance of this song. In our awesome new version!

But it doesn't seem to be happening. Anyhow he's asked me to practice the solo part (long and repetitive!) for next week's rehearsal. I'm still excited to have the choir sing this song. I'm going to be naughty and announce that I'm looking for a solo partner.

He was never keen to open the Soloist door to everyone. I disagree with this. Having a solo role has really kept me coming to rehearsals. I'm sure others can benefit from having the same opportunity too!

With our unique voices and singing style, we can create a colorful, powerful song!

Time ~

It is true what they say, about how time passes by more quickly as you get older.

When you are very young you just can't wait for the hours to pass. For the day to end. For school term to finish. To get older (though I don't remember myself being so keen on getting older).

Yet the clock seemed to really takes its time. Testing your patience.

Maybe that's because we were not able to do much. We waited for the school bus to come. Waited to get picked up from school. Waited for parents to come home. Waited for maids to prepare dinner. Waited and waited.

But now that we have learnt to make things happen, time seems to run away from us.

Wait up!
Wait - I'm not ready to get up!
Wait - I'm not ready to leave the house!
Wait - I'm not ready to jump on the phones!
Wait - I'm not ready to leave the office as my work is piling up!
Wait - I'm not ready for bedtime as I just had dinner!

Could you just PAUSE for a while!?

No.

Time never does pause. That is the way God has intended. We need to "make the most of it".

I need to be aware of what I'm doing each moment. I need to make sure I don't lose time to wasteful things.

Oh great. I've missed my stop at Westall Mosque!

Other Factors

I've been looking forward to this day; the day my work mates actually did make it to choir rehearsal! For some of them, it feels like years that they've somehow convinced me they wanted to come to the "next" rehearsal. Of course, they never did. There was always a reason why they couldn't make it.

Dinner with family.
Must get something for nephew.
Must pick up the car.
Tired, need to rest.
Going to the gym.
Got so much work.
Etc...

It's not that I needed my workmates to accompany me going to rehearsal so badly. But I just wanted for them to experience what I have experienced and who knows they might find joy and happiness.

Somehow I felt like I asked them too much. Too often. Well, this is what you get from saying "maybe"!

I might come check it out.
We'll see. Sounds fun.
Okay, but I'll just watch.

To me, all of the above means YES I WILL COME.

But these people might mean YES I WILL SAY WHATEVER THAT YOU MAY WANT TO HEAR EVEN THOUGH I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO!

So. Anyways, the FIVE of them managed to cross the road onto the building where rehearsal was held temporarily. I was all excited and sure that this is the day! This is it!

Once they entered the lobby, one came up with the idea of JUST SITTING ON THE STAIRS AND WATCH instead of participating. What's the fun in that? What's the point!

And of course others decided to do the same.

My worst nightmare.

So what, they'd be just sitting there watching me and this bunch of people sing simple songs?! Seriously. Waste of time right?

Thank God one girl was brave enough to stand in front row with me and sang her heart out.

Then I remembered.

Singing and performing is not for everyone. She just happens to be one of us who find joy in singing and don't hold onto our comfort zone or good image too much.

I also remembered.

I don't control what people would feel. Today, we didn't sing those cool, funky, harmonic songs. Today, we had to sing at the centre of an office lobby with ever moving audiences. Today, our group looked smaller than ever.

Today, some things are just not what I expected.

Well...

Life goes on. And I'm going to meet those people soon enough, the next morning in the office. They can tell whoever they want to tell how boring my choir is. But I just have to remember one thing: it's not my fault.

I guess you'd find the pleasant experience when you put the effort into getting one. If you've closed yourself from the beginning, there's not much I could do...

Awkward but

"So.. Doing anything tonight for Valentines?"

I asked my colleage before leaving work. She is one of the new faces at work and we don't get to talk very often. But from her voice and her smile, she seems super friendly.

"Well I'm on a long distance relationship so.." she said, "I'll spend time with my parents..."

Then we talked and talked about spending time with loved ones and how weird it was to be joining two friends who are a couple etc.

"So where is he?" I asked.

She seemed a little confused. Then she smiled.

"Ohh, it's a girl"

I paused to feel the awkwardness between us.

I didn't see THAT coming! I was surprised and reconfirmed that it was her partner that we're talking about here.

For a second I wasn't sure whether she was the odd one because she is a homosexual (I hope this is a polite word for it?); or was I the odd one to have been surprised by such a booming trend in our society.

It's really hard to make a judgement in today's free and diverse society. I know for sure that it is wrong if I prefer the same gender. But I can't simply say she's wrong. Can I?

If it is who she is, it is what she's decided for herself, what business do I have to change her? And what harm would she ever cause me?

God knows best.

Leftover

I subscribe to the spiritual SMS messaging team by AA Gym, a well known speaker in Indonesia.

Today it posted a question of why we give God the leftover. We do our prescribed prayer once our business is done. We recite and glorify Him after we chat with friends. We spend on charity for His sake out of our leftover shopping money. We read His Words when we're free from playing...

Meanwhile, God always gives us the best. We are given the best shape. The best ability. Health. Life. Solutions to our problems. Etc.

I thought, that is so true.

I spreaded the message to a few groups of friends. Some of them agreed instantly.

But how do we change this? How do we come out of our wordly hussle and bussle routines?

How do we put God as priority? And not just as a mere verbal promise.

I sooo would love it if there was an instant way of "getting there". Being God-conscious at all time. Feeling calm and content in any situation.

I tasted a bit of that state during my pilgrimage last year. God was the centre of my daily activities. My mouth recited prayer and glorification all the time (cause our group leader had been telling us to do this since before the trip). My mind was full of awe to experience new things around me. If not, it was busy thinking what time to sleep, to get up, to eat -- so that I could arrange the best condition for the next prayer session with Him. So that I could get a nice spot to communicate with Him. So that I could have enough time to read His Words.

That's all that matters.

Of course things weren't perfect. In fact, a lot of things went wrong. People were not always nice and kind and perfect. Yet we all seemed to keep our cool head, reminding one another that God was testing us in many different ways.

It was peaceful and beautiful.

Sadly, a pilgrimage is not meant to go forever. Shortly after the main, intense pilgrimage week, we were out of ihram and we were free to do anything we want, or to go anywhere we want.

I guess the real tests begin even after you've come home from a pilgrimage. You're thrown back into your routine of full-time work, household matters and social groups that await you.

And it is so easy to lose your sense of direction...

A husband

I got up last minute for my morning prayer. As usual. Did things almost on auto pilot mode. Not good, I know. Then I did the final part which is saying Salaam to the right and to the left. That was when I saw a bundle of cloth on my bed.

What's that?

It's my PJ clothes that I'd been looking for, yesterday while doing the laundry! Apparently they were hidden underneath the bed blanket all night.

Howcome? Who made the bed yesterday?

A husband.

Of course he did. Cause I would never leave things like that under the blanket.

The thought of scolding him (again) crossed my mind. Then I gave it up. If he didn't see these things, maybe he just doesn't. No matter how many times you bring it up.

My mind took off to things I've heard in this society in general, through people's stories, friends, tv, articles, lectures etc: that men generally don't pay attention to certain details compared to women; and it makes perfect sense how wives get frustrated over their husbands over small issues around the household. In fact, I think many wives can't be bothered delegating house chores to the husbands for this very reason.

Maybe they only see the big picture.

Maybe that's why God made them as the leader in the family. They lead the family to certain direction, while the wives manage the practicality of getting there, like fixing up any mess, correcting whatever is incorrect - cause the men may not even notice these things.

Okay, well I'm not a perfect wife either. Now that I read what I wrote, maybe it's better to focus on how he has kindly helped make the bed when I didn't have time for it. And that's fine. I do take longer to get ready in the morning. Lots of details to attend to; like, are my pins inserted on the right spots to hold my headscarf right, for example. Yep.

God, forgive me for my ill thoughts about him. Help me be more grateful for his actions and decisions though they're very different from mine. For it is You who brought us together for a reason. Please make it easy for me to smile more.

especially to him.

Amiin.